Wednesday Oct 24 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
We are very excited to have the president of the United States on the show tonight. As you know, he only does these shows maybe once or twice a week.
Actually, do you know why the president is here tonight? Do you know the real reason? To talk to NBC about canceling “The Apprentice.”
Experts say the entire 2012 election could come down to just eight states. The states are: confusion, dismay, depression, apathy, shock, disbelief, despair, and anxiety. Those are the eight states.
Even though he’s spending all day on Air Force One, there’s an office on the plane where the president can work. It’s just like being in Washington. He’s got the desk, he’s got the computer, and he even has a closet that has a group of Republicans who pop out and block anything he tries to do.
Late Show with David Letterman
Here in New York City it's 65 and foggy, just like me.
Snooki is here on the program tonight. And because she's on the program we had to bump Mitt Romney.
Do you know who is endorsing Mitt Romney? Lindsay Lohan. It may seem silly to you but not to the Romney campaign. They're very excited. They said they have a chance now to get the shoplifter vote.
Earlier today, vice-presidential hopeful Paul Ryan gave a major policy address on poverty. We're still not sure whether he's for it or against it, but he was talking about poverty.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
I was looking through "Star" magazine, looking at the celebrities, and then I find this: I'm having a feud with Katie Couric. I didn't even know about it.
The magazine says, "Her daytime talk show is quickly making her the queen of the air waves and it has her fellow TV host Craig Ferguson seeing green." So apparently I'm very jealous of Katie's ratings even though we're on at different times of day.
By the way, unless I'm mistaken, wasn't Katie pretty successful before I was even on the air?
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The first lady will be a guest on our show tomorrow. She'll be here to promote her new reality show, "America's Next Top Lady."
I'm excited to get a chance to interview the first lady and excited about partying with her Secret Service agents after the show.
Apple unveiled their new iPad mini yesterday. It's got a 7.9-inch screen — two inches smaller than the regular iPad. Apple wanted to make it smaller in case your mom wasn't squinting enough with the original iPad.
I feel like at this point Apple is releasing products just to see if there's anything we won't buy.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
A source close to Mitt Romney revealed that he gets a spray tan before major campaign events. I guess that explains his new Secret Service code name: "The Mittuation."
A new poll found that 59 percent of Americans would rather eat a burger with President Obama while only 41 percent would eat one with Mitt Romney. While most Americans don’t care who they’re with, as long as they get that burger.
Tonight was Game 1 of the World Series at San Francisco's AT&T Park. You could tell it was AT&T Park, because whenever the umps made a call, it got dropped.