Tuesday Oct 23 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Did you all watch the debate last night? I have to admit, I was one of those undecideds. I couldn't decide whether to watch the baseball game or the football game.
Last night President Obama finally found a Republican who agreed with him — Mitt Romney.
One of President Obama's winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy. And believe me, if anyone knows how to cripple an economy, it's President Obama.
The Vatican has named its first-ever Native American saint. Her miracle was opening a casino without mob involvement.
That was some debate last night. At one point moderator Bob Schieffer said "Obama bin Laden." It was right before he called Romney "Adolf Mittler."
During last night's debate, President Obama told Mitt Romney, "The 1980s called and they want their foreign policy back." Romney tried to deliver a comeback but then his beeper went off.
A lot of crazy rumors are starting to surface about the two candidates. A man is claiming that President Obama used and sold cocaine in college. On the bright side, if this is true, it means Obama does have business experience.
Today a poll found that President Obama won last night's debate among a voting block known as "Walmart moms." And Mitt Romney won the debate according to a voting block that wouldn't be caught dead at Walmart.
Late Show with David Letterman
Did you see the debate last night? It was the same stuff, but here's what was different. In the first debate they were at podiums. The second debate, it was stools. Last night, chairs and desks. The next debate — yoga mats.
Last night the debate was all about the undecideds, but here's what happened. The undecideds decided not to watch.
After the debate last night, experts agreed that President Obama won on substance and I thought: Well, big deal, Lance Armstrong won on several substances.
Mitt Romney is so rich he hired extra housekeepers just to launder his money.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Sad news from Cuba. Fidel Castro is — still alive. Today the Cuban government released a photo to prove it. When a government has to put out photos to prove you're alive, that means one thing — you're dying. It's like when a celebrity couple does an "at home" piece with a TV newsmagazine. That means the divorce is imminent.
Castro will die at some point. He can't live forever. He's not Larry King.
The CIA once tried to kill Castro with an exploding cigar. Back then the CIA got their ideas from "Road Runner" cartoons. We tried dropping an anvil on his head. Then we painted a tunnel on a cliff. He ran right through.
Castro's net worth somehow is over $550 million. I guess you save money when you wear the same outfit for 40 years. Khaki shirt, khaki pants, khaki hat. I call it the "beige of pigs."
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Donald Trump announced that he will announce something big tomorrow, some very big news about President Obama. So it must be big news because it isn't like him to make a big deal out of something that isn't news.
Trump is promising an October surprise tomorrow. Typically that's a shocking news story that can change the outcome of an election. At this point I don't know what information Trump could have. Will he reveal that Obama is the guy that has been styling his hair for the last 20 years? That could be bad for Obama.
Obama and Romney aren't the only people running for president. A number of other candidates faced off in a debate tonight in Chicago moderated by Larry King, who was the only person anyone knew on the stage.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Last night’s debate was held in Boca Raton, Florida. Romney actually has a three-point lead among Florida voters. Of course, he still faces a major obstacle — making sure those voters are still alive for the election.
During last night’s debate, moderator Bob Schieffer mistakenly referred to Osama bin Laden as “Obama bin Laden.” Everyone at CBS news was really embarrassed, while Fox News was like, “We’ll take him!”
As part of a new “transparency series,” McDonald’s is releasing videos that show how its food is made. It involves horses and bayonets.