Monday Oct 08 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Democrats are accusing Mitt Romney of cheating during the debate. I don't know who he cheated off of, but I think we can rule out President Obama.
While the average American's net worth has gone down in the last four years, the net worth of the average member of Congress has actually gone up. No wonder Congress isn't motivated to do anything — they're the only ones better off now than they were four years ago.
Unemployment is 7.8 percent, the lowest it’s been since Obama took office. The Obama campaign said they can't wait to take these statistics and not use them in the next debate.
The number one movie in the country is “Taken 2.” Fifty million dollars it made. In this sequel, Liam Neeson's ex-wife is taken hostage. Divorced guys are calling it “the feel-good film of the year.”
Late Show with David Letterman
In honor of Columbus Day, the Jets played earlier tonight against the Houston Texans and lost 14-92.
It's Nobel Prize season. Earlier today a medical team received the Nobel Prize for reviving the Mitt Romney campaign.
Joe Biden is taking no chances for his upcoming vice-presidential debate with Paul Ryan. He's taking six days off to prepare. Six days off from what?
The format for the vice-presidential debate is different. The candidates spend 90 minutes guessing the actual retail price of merchandise.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Happy Columbus Day. A lot of people had the day off work today, so instead of going to the work and checking Facebook all day you checked Facebook at home all day.
Today also happens to be the Canadian Thanksgiving. The best part of Canadian Thanksgiving for me is getting up in the middle of the night and going to the refrigerator and making a cold moose meat sandwich.
President Obama was here in Los Angeles last night. He was here with his agent taking meetings in case things don't work out next month.
The president was here with a concert that included Katy Perry, Jennifer Hudson, and George Clooney. If Obama goes more than a month without seeing George Clooney, he gets nervous.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Apparently after last week’s debate, polls show Obama trailing Romney by one point. One point — or as it’s also known, “the thing Obama failed to make during last week’s debate.”
The vice-presidential debate is just three days away. Republican candidate Paul Ryan says he expects Joe Biden to come at him “like a cannonball.” In response, Biden was like, “There’s gonna be a pool there?”
Kim Kardashian said in a new interview that her next wedding will be on a private island with no TV cameras. Which raises a lot of questions, like, “If a Kardashian does something but there are no cameras, did it actually happen?”
Last night, a woman on QVC fainted on the air, but her co-host kept talking as if nothing had happened. One person was unconscious while the other one just kept talking — kind of like last week's presidential debate.