Congratulations to both Mitt Romney and President Obama. They both won Emmys for their performance on "60 Minutes" last night. Obama won for acting as if everything has gotten better over the last four years, and Romney won for pretending to care about that other 47 percent.

The president's re-election campaign slogan is "Forward," which is also his policy on paying for stuff.

A woman in Tampa, Florida, who is in danger of being foreclosed on, put a giant sign on her roof reading, "Obama, please save my home." To which Obama said, "Hey lady, I'm trying not to get thrown out of my own house, OK?

Mass riots broke out among 2,000 workers at the factory in China that's making new iPhones. This is what happens when third-graders don't get a nap. They get cranky.

At the New England Patriots game, coach Bill Belichick was so mad about a call by the replacement referees that he grabbed a ref's arm. Fortunately, Belichick was quickly stopped by the referee's seeing-eye dog.

It's been reported that a chemical in McDonald's McRib is also used to make yoga mats. This marks the first time that yoga and McRib have been mentioned in the same sentence ever.

In Georgia, a jewelry store owner is offering a free gun with your purchase. And, of course, once you have the gun, free jewelry.

It's been reported that the band Lynyrd Skynyrd will no longer fly the Confederate flag at their concerts. They're saying they flew the flag only because two of their members actually fought in the Civil War.

It's fall in New York City and today Mayor Bloomberg banned 16-ounce cups of chowder.

You know who's at the U.N. today? Mahmoud Ahmadinejad from Iran. A creepy, little guy, huh? He just dropped by the U.N. for another hate-filled rant. Then he went back in line for the new iPhone.

I wish the iPhone people would design one that's black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you can pick one piece up and talk into it.

I tell you, the whole time I had one of those old-fashioned plug-in phones, not once did I misplace it.

The president of Iran is in New York today. President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is visiting the U.N. He's been in America one day and he's already surged past Mitt Romney in the polls.

President Ahmadinejad was interviewed on Piers Morgan's show. I can't believe CNN let that shady dude into the building and gave him air time. And also the guy from Iran.

This season's "Dancing With the Stars" is called the "All-Stars" edition. In previous years, people complained they'd never heard of the stars. Well, not this year. They've all been on before. Big names like Sabrina Bryan, Melissa Rycroft, and Giles Marini. Yes, Giles Marini. They got him. Or her.

I'd never be a contestant on that show. Unless someone asked.