Thursday Sep 20 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
It's been a rough week for Mitt Romney. Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty has quit as co-chair of Mitt Romney's presidential campaign. I think the technical term is "jumping ship."
I saw a guy today scraping a Romney bumper sticker off his car. It was Paul Ryan.
Political pundits are taking Mitt Romney to task, saying his latest gaffe was not "presidential." Vice presidential, sure. That's Joe Biden territory.
Newsweek has a new cover story titled "Muslim Rage." Can you believe that? They're still publishing Newsweek.
The space shuttle is going to be driven through Los Angeles tomorrow. That's exciting. The bad news is that it's going to be driven by Lindsay Lohan.
A lot of people are commenting that Mitt Romney is looking extremely tan lately. In fact, if Romney gets any darker he's not going to vote for himself.
Disney World has announced plans to start serving alcohol. They're even going to introduce a new character — Extremely Buzzed Lightyear.
New Jersey is banning smiling in driver's license photos. So now instead of telling drivers to say "cheese," the DMV photographer will just say, "You live in New Jersey."
Late Show with David Letterman
Leaves are falling, temperatures are falling, Romney's poll numbers are dropping. It must be autumn.
Sunday is the Emmy Awards. That's when they pass out beautiful statuettes to award television excellence, and let me say just from a personal standpoint: It's an honor just to be ignored.
Here's what I know about the new iPhone 5. It's thinner and it's lighter, and that makes it easier to lose in a cab.
The iPhone 5 has a new app on it. If you stand on the iPhone 5 it'll tell you how much you weigh.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The moon was a big deal in the 1960s, but so was LSD. For you young people, LSD was used by your parents because they didn't have bath salts.
I'm excited about the Curiosity rover. It took off from Cape Canaveral last November and it landed on Mars a few weeks ago. That's still faster than flying JetBlue.
The rover Curiosity has two separate computer systems. They probably should have called it Bi-Curiosity.
One thing that Curiosity has already confirmed is that one of the moons of Mars is gradually getting closer to Mars and will probably collide in about 10 million years. And when that happens, well, only Larry King will be around to find out.