Monday Sep 17 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
According to the Labor Department, unemployment fell from 8.3 percent to 8.1 percent last month. But that's because 368,000 Americans gave up looking for work. Today, President Obama said that's a step in the right direction, and he is encouraging more Americans to give up looking for work.
Anti-American crowds have been protesting and burning American flags over that anti-Islamic film. And the U.S. is now bracing for more protests next week when the film comes out on Blu-ray.
I'm watching the news, and I see these protesters in countries like Egypt, Afghanistan, Tunisia. They're all burning American flags. Where are they getting all these flags? If you hate us so much, how do you have a large supply of flags on hand?
All over the world people are chanting, "Death to America." Except in China, where they're chanting, "Not until we get our money back."
Today marks the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah. It's Hebrew for "I have no writers today."
Mitt Romney is in Los Angeles today for a fundraiser. So that's one more handsome guy in L.A. auditioning for a role he probably won't get.
Mitt Romney is trailing in the polls. After being accused of being too vague, Romney's campaign team says they will start being more specific. When asked when, they said, "Soon-ish."
Arnold Schwarzenegger has written a new book about his affair with his Hispanic housekeeper, and the book is actually called "Total Recall." In response, she's written a book about their affair called "Alien vs. Predator."
Late Show with David Letterman
I found out last week that I was named recipient of the Kennedy Center Honors. They give you a lovely statuette. I think it's called the Kenney.
But listen to this. I had to turn over 10 years of my tax returns.
It will be quite a night in Washington where they hold the Kennedy Center Honors. The "Fire Dave" rally will be arriving by bus.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Prince was on "The View" this morning. The musician Prince, not the royal prince. You could tell because he was fully clothed.
Today an Italian magazine published 26 pages of Kate Middleton topless. I hope Elton John doesn't write a song about it.
TMZ says more Kate Middleton and Prince William pictures are coming soon. Apparently the pictures are intimate. Keep in mind that intimate for the royal family is holding hands.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Today is the one-year anniversary of occupying Wall Street protests. Remember those? They stomped out greed forever.
Mitt Romney was here meeting with the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce. He's looking for a housekeeper for his place in La Jolla.
Mitt Romney was on "Live With Kelly and Michael." At one point Mitt was asked what he wears to bed. He said as little as possible. It's the same philosophy that Mitt has in regard to paying taxes.
Mitt also admitted on the show that his guilty pleasures are peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and chocolate milk. Even his guilty pleasures are boring.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
On Saturday, Mitt Romney took some time off from campaigning to watch his grandson’s soccer game. Though it got awkward when one team pulled their goalie and Romney was like, “Look at that — another job lost under President Obama.”
The CEO of IKEA announced that he will retire next year after 34 years with the company. Of course, it was awkward when IKEA just gave him pieces of a gold watch with instructions on how to put it together.
I read that the Apple executive who designed the iPhone just bought a new $17 million mansion in California. And if there’s any justice at all, he’ll find out the new house isn’t compatible with any of the furniture from his last house.