Thursday Sep 06 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Bill Clinton said that President Obama inherited a deeply damaged economy. And if he's re-elected he'll inherit an even more deeply damaged economy.
President Obama's speech was moved from the Bank of America stadium to the Time Warner Cable Arena. They had to move out of the big venue into a smaller place. Like a lot of homeowners in the past four years.
In a related story, Vice President Joe Biden's speech also was moved to a smaller venue — the back room at Denny's, the booth in the corner.
The signature question of this presidential campaign is, "Are you better off than you were four years ago?" As a comedian, I have to say no. I miss Bush and Cheney; they were the golden age. I wish they were here. I am not better off.
Today Scarlett Johansson, Kerry Washington, and Eva Longoria all spoke at the Democratic convention. This means that Obama has all about clinched the crucial 13-year-old boy vote.
This morning Tom Brokaw had to be taken to the hospital after accidentally taking an Ambien sleeping pill. And tonight he was taken to the hospital again after accidentally listening to a speech by Joe Biden.
Tom Cruise is being accused of having the Church of Scientology audition women to be his wife. I don't know what the problem is. At least someone in this economy is actually still hiring.
Late Show with David Letterman
It's autumn in New York. The colors are changing — yellow, the browns, the greens, the oranges. And that's just the tap water.
It's autumn. Temperatures are dropping. Leaves are dropping. Yankees are dropping.
You know who's a big supporter of President Obama? Scarlett Johansson. I think I'll wait until I hear what Katherine Heigl has to say.
Happy birthday to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who is 50 years old. They had a cake for him. He blew out the candles and then he wished for another cake.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Everyone is still talking about Bill Clinton's speech last night in Charlotte. It was a remarkable speech, 45 minutes long and 6,000 words. Like the political version of the guitar solo from "Freebird."
The V.M.A.'s were earlier tonight. V.M.A. stands for video music awards. They were held in downtown Los Angeles at the Staples Center, because what says rock 'n' roll like an office supply superstore?
One year Kid Rock and Tommy Lee got into a huge fistfight at the V.M.A.'s. I don't remember what the fight was about. I think it was they differed over how the Pythagorean Theorem is the basis for major key scales.