Wednesday Sep 05 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
It is day two of the Democratic convention, and apparently they had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall today. They worked all day on it. They still couldn't get President Obama out of Bill Clinton's shadow.
The stoner comedy duo Harold and Kumar are starring in a new promo for the Democratic convention alongside President Obama, which is pretty impressive. The only other person to go from smoking pot with buddies to the White House is President Obama.
President Obama's re-election campaign said that this year they'll knock on 150 percent more doors than they did in 2008. Well, of course they will. They have to. There's so many foreclosures it's tough to tell where people live.
They announced today that they are moving President Obama's speech tomorrow night indoors, from the 74,000-seat stadium to a smaller venue due to the possibility of severe weather. See, apparently the campaign is concerned about this well-known weather phenomenon known as empty seats.
Today, the Democrats added the word "God" to the official party platform. It's in the part that reads, "Did you see Michelle Obama's biceps. Oh, my God!"
Michelle Obama said the first car Barack picked her up in was so old, you could see ground below them. Today, Ann Romney said the same thing about Mitt's helicopter.
Late Show with David Letterman
Here in New York City it's fashion week. One thing to remember here in New York City during fashion week — do not feed the supermodels.
The NFL opener was tonight. I thought London did a tremendous job with the opening ceremonies.
Speaking of football, do you know who they hired to take Regis Philbin's place? Michael Strahan, former New York Giants all-star. Regis has hip replacements older than this guy.
Mark my words — Regis will be the next crazy old guy who talks to an empty chair.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
There's a lot going on tonight. The first NFL game tonight, the Democratic National Convention, a new episode of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo." Everything that we are as a nation is all rolled up into one tonight.
The NFL season kicked off in New Jersey. The Dallas Cowboys played the defending champion New York Giants. So ladies, I guess we'll catch up with you on Valentine's Day.
Next year McDonald's is opening two restaurants in India that don't serve meat. They're doing it because cows are sacred in India. Whereas here, they're lunch.
They'll still have the Happy Meal in India. To be honest, for most people in India, any meal is a happy meal.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
First lady Michelle Obama is receiving praise for the speech she gave last night at the Democratic National Convention. Everyone was impressed. Even Fox News called it "not the worst."
Actually, President Obama's speech at the DNC has been moved inside to the Time Warner Arena. You can tell it's Time Warner because Obama will give the speech two weeks from Friday, between the hours of 12 and 4.
A farmer in Germany accidentally planted a crop of marijuana after thinking that he was growing sunflowers. The farmer said he was really surprised that the cops actually bought that story.
The Yankees have blown a 10-game lead in the standings, and are now tied for first place. You can tell they're depressed. Today, five of their players tested positive for Häagen-Dazs.