Tuesday Sep 04 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The Democratic Convention began tonight. What a difference four years makes. Last time the theme was “Hope and change.” This year the theme is “Hope you don’t make a change.”
The first two nights of the Democratic convention are at the Time Warner Cable Arena and the big speech by President Obama will be at the Bank of America Stadium. That’s good thinking, the two things Americans love most: cable companies and banks.
I’m very excited; we have Ron Paul on the show tonight. Unlike the Republicans, we're actually going to let him speak.
That had to be rough for Ron Paul. You run for president, you win a bunch of delegates, and not only is he not allowed to speak but he couldn’t even sit down because they gave his chair to Clint Eastwood.
If you're a donor to President Obama's campaign, you were promised exclusive access to Joe Biden — and for an extra $10,000 absolutely no access to Joe Biden.
Chuck Norris said that if President Obama is re-elected it will lead "to a thousand years of darkness." Then he said if Mitt Romney wins, it will lead to four years of extreme whiteness.
The Republicans are really going after Obama. They asked, "Are you better off now than you were four years ago?" Americans said "No, we're worse off because we never heard of Honey Boo Boo."
Bruce Willis may sue Apple so he can pass down his Apple music collection to his daughter. This could be an important case because if there's one thing teenage girls love, it is their dad's music collection.
Late Show with David Letterman
Outside it's like 82 and cloudy — like Clint Eastwood.
Did you have a nice Labor Day? It's the day we honor the American worker. When I say an American worker, I mean an 8-year-old kid in China.
President Obama is spending his free time in the White House making beer, and apparently the beer is so good that the White House is now releasing the recipe. Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney will be releasing his own recipe for root beer.
I wish somebody would release the recipe for fixing the economy.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The Democratic National Convention is under way. For three days in Charlotte, N.C., everything the Democrats do is good. And everything Republicans do is evil. It doesn't bother me. I live in Hollywood. It is like that here every day.
Former Democratic nominee John Kerry is going to give a speech about foreign policy. It will be like Clint Eastwood's speech except this time the empty chairs will be in the audience.
I hope they go easy on Clint Eastwood. It wasn't his best performance last week at the Republican convention, but he's given us decades of great films. So Democrats, if you're looking to mock Mitt Romney by dragging an inanimate object out onto the stage, why not just use Mitt Romney?
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
I no longer recognize Labor Day as a holiday now that Jerry Lewis is not hosting anymore.
On Saturday the White House released President Obama's personal recipe for a home-brewed beer. That's how bad the economy is. Not only is our president drinking, he's drinking beer he made in his bathtub.
A new study has found that men and women see colors differently. And we also see everything else differently.
Women can perceive more than 50 shades of gray, whereas men see a poorly written book.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Today was the start of the Democratic National Convention in Charlotte, N.C. They’re going all out to make sure it tops last week’s Republican convention. In fact, I heard at this one they’re going to have Clint Eastwood yell at a couch.
There are reports that nine of the hotels being used for politicians at the Democratic National Convention have bedbugs. When asked what it’s like to have to deal with thousands of ruthless bloodsuckers, the bedbugs were like, “Eh, it’s OK.”
Over the weekend, a chef in Minnesota created the world’s largest bacon cheeseburger, weighing in at over 2,000 pounds. And if you want to hear what it tasted like, you’ll just have to wait until I interview Chris Christie.