Monday Aug 13 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Did you all enjoy the Olympics? Wasn't it thrilling when the U.S. women's team took home the gold in gymnastics? Think about that. A group of American teenagers getting a higher score than a bunch of Chinese kids — that never happens.
Congratulations to Mexico. They upset Brazil to win a gold medal in men's soccer. And after the Olympics ended, the Mexican soccer team, of course, returned home to their houses here in Los Angeles.
Congratulations to American Ashton Eaton. He won the gold in the Olympic decathlon. Hopefully, he will not do what many great American decathletes have done. You know, get bad plastic surgery and marry a Kardashian.
Usain Bolt won the gold for the men's 100- and 200-meter dashes for the second Olympics in a row. You know, he has been running since he was in elementary school — kind of like Mitt Romney.
Late Show with David Letterman
How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed.
There was something about that basketball final. Because here are you, the USA once again going for the gold, late in the Olympics. Comes down to the final seconds of the basketball game and Al Michaels is screaming, "Do you believe in the obvious?"
Presidential nominee Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He did not medal but next year he will be on "Dancing With the Stars."
Mitt Romney has chosen Paul Ryan as his running mate. This guy is a representative from Wisconsin. He looks like one of those guys who pretends to be a doctor on an infomercial.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Athletes from the United States did very well in the Olympics. They won more medals than any country. So congratulations to all the Olympic medal winners/future "Dancing With the Stars" contestants.
On Sunday, Mitt Romney chose Paul Ryan as his running mate. Forty-three percent of Americans have never heard of Ryan and the others thought he was the private that Tom Hanks brought home from Normandy.
Romney and Ryan kind of look like a father and son in an ad for Super Cuts.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
We have basketball gold medalists Kevin Durant and James Harden on the show tonight! I plan on asking them a lot of questions: How did it feel to win the gold? What was it like being on the podium? Will you please come play for the Knicks?
It was a great Olympics — Team USA finished the games with 17 more medals than China. China said it was tough to swallow — especially when they had to make all of our “We’re #1” T-shirts.
Mitt Romney is hoping to energize Republicans by announcing Paul Ryan as his running mate. Seriously? That’s like trying to spice up a bowl of oatmeal with MORE oatmeal.