Conan

Today, the U.S. Women's soccer team won the gold medal. I just want to say all of us in America are happy for the athletes and thrilled we don't have to watch soccer for four more years.

The U.S. is leading China in both number of gold medals and number of total medals. In response, China said that's nice but we still have all your money.

Mars Rover is starting to send back pictures. After studying photos taken by the robot, scientists saying that mars resembles California. Both have large mountains, little water, and the possibility of hidden aliens.

A man who ordered a television off of Amazon was shocked because Amazon instead sent him a rifle. Which means somewhere a hunter is trying to kill a deer by making it watch "The Real Housewives of New Jersey."

Divers off the coast of Italy have discovered a 2,000-year-old shipwreck that is so well-preserved, even the food is intact. The food was carefully extracted from the wreck and served at the nearest Olive Garden.