Monday Jun 18 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
President Obama spent about four hours on Father's Day playing golf at a country club in Chicago. It was his 100th round of golf since taking office. He's played more golf than Tiger Woods in the last four years.
Actually, Obama's staff is a little concerned. They're concerned all this golf is cutting into his fund-raising.
Lindsay Lohan was treated for exhaustion. Here's my question: How many of you are exhausted just hearing about Lindsay Lohan?
President Obama is going to let certain illegal immigrants stay in this country. But there is an age requirement. You have to be old enough to vote by November.
Over the weekend President Obama issued an order that allows some illegal immigrants to stay in the country. Or as Fox News reported it, "Obama issues order allowing himself to stay in the country."
On the set of her new movie, Lindsay Lohan has been treated for exhaustion. Also being treated for exhaustion is the guy who does the body work on Lohan's car.
A new brand of frozen burrito is actually being marketed as a snack for people high on marijuana. The marketing consists of just labeling it a burrito.
The theory behind the Freudian slip has been scientifically proven after 111 years. I think that's the breast news I heard all week.
Late Show with David Letterman
Everybody have a good Father's Day? It's the day we honor the man mom divorced.
According to a story on the front page of The New York Times, Kanye West is marrying Kim Kardashian. The wedding is scheduled for June and the divorce is in July.
This will be Kim's third marriage and experts say that if she stays healthy she could beat the record currently held by Larry King.
They say President Obama played golf a hundred times in his first administration, a four-year period. So he played on Father's Day. Donald Trump — always looking to make trouble, always looking to rain on somebody's parade — Donald Trump demanded to see Obama's scorecard.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things I Want to Achieve Now That I've Thrown a Perfect Game (presented by SF Giants pitcher Matt Cain)
"Throw a perfect game with my other arm"
"Convert the mound into an organic vegetable garden"
"Discover a cure for groin pulls"
"Catch a line drive with my mouth"
"Fix the economy — Just kidding, that's impossible"
"Pitch an inning without my pants"
"Appear on Jay Leno's 'Ten at Ten'"
"Win the contest to replace Regis Philbin"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's a great day for our president. He's down in Mexico for the G-20 Summit. Today he met with Russia's Vladimir Putin. He said "I think your communist policies are a danger to the world." There's no word on how Obama responded.
It's also a great day today for Sir Paul McCartney. He's 70 years old today. Now that Paul is getting up there in age, he's making lifestyle adjustments. A few months ago, he announced he's quitting marijuana. No more drugs, except for the kind in little bottles that are difficult to open.
McCartney once said he'll probably die on stage. Take it from someone who does it every night, Paul. It ain't what it's cracked up to be.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday, President Obama played his 100th round of golf since taking office. You could tell it was Obama, because he finished about 14 trillion over par.
That’s right, 100 rounds of golf since being elected. It was weird when Obama asked his caddie for a recommendation and he was like, “Uhh, don’t play so much golf?”
A new study found that Republicans are more likely to go to Dunkin’ Donuts, while Democrats are more likely to get their breakfast at Starbucks. While Governor Chris Christie takes the bipartisan route and gets a breakfast from each.
Next month two men in Oregon plan to travel 400 miles in two lawn chairs, connected to a bunch of balloons. Or as North Korea calls that, "the space program."