Thursday Jun 14 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Republican Senator John McCain and Democrat Harry Reid have called for the federal government to step in and help regulate the sport of boxing. Is that a good idea — something so corrupt and unethical attempting to regulate something so corrupt and unethical?
Guantanamo Bay is getting millions and millions of dollars of upgrades and renovations. In fact, they're not even calling it a detention camp anymore. It's now a gated community.
In New Orleans, the daily newspaper has eliminated 84 newsroom jobs. But the publisher said those positions could be reinstated if this whole Internet thing turns out to be a fad.
Henry Hill, the mobster who became an FBI informant and was the basis for the lead character in the movie "Goodfellas," has died at the age of 69 due to an undisclosed illness. I believe that illness was "informant-itis."
It is my last night in Chicago. In four days, I did everything you can do here. I ate well, drank a lot, and earlier this afternoon I beat the Cubs 11-2.
I leave Chicago with great memories and an irrational hatred toward the Green Bay Packers.
Showtime announced they're canceling the marijuana-themed show "Weeds." Fans of "Weeds" were so upset, they almost did something.
Burglars broke into Kanye West's home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Late Show with David Letterman
Happy birthday to Donald Trump, who is 66 years old today. The first thing he did this morning — he demanded to see his own birth certificate.
They had a great party for Donald Trump with a beautiful cake. It was 50 stories high with retail and parking. They even had a clown. It was Donald himself.
Everybody excited about Father's Day? I like it when you give your dad a biography of a famous American hero — so your dad can read that and realize how empty his own life is.
My son said he's proud of me. He thinks I'm hosting "The Tonight Show."
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
There's really only one story on people's mind — that thing in November that could change the direction of the country. Americans are going to have to make a choice. Are they ready to accept pizza from vending machines?
Just when you thought America couldn't get any more awesome, pizza vending machines! Even guys in al-Qaida are like, "So conflicted. I hate America, but come on!"
Apparently these pizza machines roll out the dough, knead it, and then bake it in three minutes. That's fast. The only machine that bakes things faster is Willie Nelson's tour bus.
Some places have medical marijuana vending machines. I'm not a fancy-pants businessman, but I'm guessing you may want to put one of them pot machines next to the pizza machine.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Happy Flag Day. Flag Day is the day in which we honor the symbol of our nation and the 8-year-old Chinese kids who make them for us for a nickel apiece.
A lot of sons struggle with what to get their dad's for Father's Day. The dads don't want anything, and if you do buy them something, it's with their money.
The World Open Golf Championship teed off today in San Francisco. Tiger Woods is currently tied for second place. Someone who didn't have sex with everyone is in first. I don't know what his name is.
Lance Armstrong may be in trouble again. An anti-doping agency accused him of using performance-enhancing drugs. Federal authorities got suspicious when they noticed an American was exercising.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Today President Obama gave a major speech where he defended his handling of the economy. And there were tons of people in the audience, you know, since nobody had to be at work.
Last night Giants pitcher Matt Cain threw his team's first-ever perfect game against the Astros. The Astros went three hours without making it to first base, or as I used to call that — a date.
Happy birthday to Donald Trump, who turned 66 years old today. He didn't want a big party so he just invited a few close friends to comb over — I mean, come over.
Tim Tebow said he's gained nine pounds since joining the Jets and plans to gain even more weight. You can tell his eating habits have changed. Now, he spends most of his time praying for the return of the McRib.