Tuesday Jun 12 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The L.A. Kings are the Stanley Cup champions. First time in their 45-year history. And it's ironic — the Devils lost in the City of Angels.
Pundits are saying that President Obama is starting to lose support among his own party. To give you an idea of how bad it's gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.
A new book claims President Obama smoked a lot of marijuana while in college. And in a related story to boost his street cred, Mitt Romney admitted he was once hooked on phonics.
Guantanamo Bay is now undergoing millions of dollars worth of renovations, including a new soccer field, cable TV, and better housing. Which is kind of ironic. The only people who say they're better off today than they were four years ago are the inmates at Guantanamo Bay.
Chicago has changed a lot since the last time we were here. I'm having a hard time calling the Sears Tower the Willis Tower. It just feels wrong. It's like calling the Olive Garden an Italian restaurant.
The world's largest and best-preserved Tyrannosaurus Rex resides at Chicago's Field Museum. The T-Rex is so old it was found wearing a Cubs World Series ring.
Two great things happened for Los Angeles last night. The Kings won their first-ever Stanley Cup and Los Angeles discovered they have a hockey team.
In local news, the Chicago City Council is allowing fruit and vegetable stands all over the city. The City Council called it a victory, while everyone else called it an unprecedented attack on our lifestyle.
Late Show with David Letterman
Somebody has been leaking classified information. John McCain is outraged. He wants to get to the bottom of who is leaking the classified information and also he wants to find out who keeps messing with his thermostat.
Mitt Romney is going on a six-state bus tour. Mitt is very excited because he's never been on a bus.
New York had the warmest May on record. It's so hot these days that the ice at the oyster bar is shrinking at an alarming rate.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Betty White met with President Obama at the White House. President Obama invited Betty personally because she's great with animals. And the president's still having a tough time house-training Joe Biden.
The Los Angeles Kings are Stanley cup champions! That's right, Canadians. You may not get the Stanley Cup, but you get the New Jersey equivalent. The Snooki Cup. You can still fill it up with booze and pass it around to all your friends.
The Kings have been around 45 years. This is the first time they've won the Stanley Cup. There was a bit of a scandal after the game though. Some of the players tested positive for having their own teeth.
People here are very excited about the Kings. You can't tell because of all the Botox, but they are very excited.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
There's a great tradition in hockey. Each player on the winning team gets the Stanley Cup for a night. It's similar to what happens in the NBA, but instead of a trophy, they get a Kardashian sister.
I don't know but the Kings, it's been my lifelong dream to eat Fruity Pebbles out of the Stanley Cup.
The good thing about being knocked face down during a hockey game is that you're immediately putting ice on it.
Father's Day is Sunday. Father's Day is the day we congratulate dad by getting mom drunk on wine coolers and getting him a bottle of cologne he doesn't wear.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama says he hopes the NBA Finals go to a Game 7. Of course, Obama should probably be focused on other matters, like hoping his presidency goes to a Term 2.
Mitt Romney visited a restaurant in Iowa, and had trouble thinking of the word for donut. Newt Gingrich merely responded, "That never would have happened if I were the nominee."
Police in Georgia are looking for people who stole 400,000 toothpicks from a warehouse. Fortunately, one of the suspects has a clear alibi — a tiny piece of spinach in his teeth.