Friday May 18 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
On the first day of trading, Facebook shares rose less than expected. We were promised that Facebook would take off like a rocket. Apparently it's a North Korean rocket.
Facebook started at 38 bucks a share. They thought it would go to 70, 80, 90 — but it's still at 38. Experts say Facebook did not live up to the hype. Big deal, NBC does that every fall.
Experts say people would have bought the stock but they're too busy checking their Facebook.
Have you heard about Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin? He's renounced his U.S. citizenship because it'll save him millions of dollars of taxes — to which Mitt Romney said, "That's what the Cayman Islands are for."
Late Show with David Letterman
It's the 85th Anniversary of Lindbergh's solo transatlantic flight. Coincidentally, it's the last time an American was greeted warmly in France.
NASA has cataloged as many as 4,700 asteroids in our solar system with the potential to strike the earth, resulting in widespread damage. NASA says the only reasonable response is to go crazy.
On this day in 1860, the Republican Party nominated Abraham Lincoln as a presidential candidate. During the campaign he raised about $1 million. You know how he was able to raise that money at campaign gatherings? He passed around his giant hat.
Mitt Romney and his family have a big two-day weekend plan. They're going to hike to the top of his money.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
There's something very rare happening this weekend — a solar eclipse. Specifically, it's the one that looks like a ring of fire. The last time one of these eclipses was visible in the United States was 1994, when the music group Ace of Base ruled the charts. We know how that worked out.
I know they say you're not supposed to look at a solar eclipse, but I'm looking at it. I'm going to look right at it. I don't care. I do what I want.
Facebook sold $16 billion worth of stock today, making it the largest initial public offering for an American company ever. Facebook is now valued at $104 billion. More than McDonald's, more than Disney. That's the company whose primary purpose thus far has been to update on what our former college roommate had for lunch.
Mark Zuckerberg personally made $1.5 billion today. That is more than I make in a year.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
This week Mitt Romney started giving speeches while standing in front of a giant U.S. debt clock. When asked what it was like campaigning with a large electronic object, the debt clock was like, “Not bad.”
“American Idol” is down to its final two contestants. The losing contestant will fade away into obscurity, while the winning contestant won’t have that happen until around June.
An aquarium in the U.K. claims that it has the world’s first vegetarian shark. Either that or they’re playing a really mean prank on Nigel the tank cleaner.