Wednesday Aug 26 2009
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
There is a rumor President Obama will have dinner on Martha’s Vineyard with Oprah Winfrey. That’s right, the most powerful person in the free world is going to have dinner with President Obama.
Gov. Schwarzenegger is trying to reduce California’s deficit by auctioning off state holdings that he says are no longer needed. So check out the auction if you’re looking to buy real estate, construction equipment, or The Los Angeles Clippers.
There’s a big presidential election in Afghanistan and President Hamid Karzai’s opponent is a man called Abdullah Abdullah. Apparently his campaign slogan is, “The Abdullah so nice, they named him twice.”
General Motors has announced that it will be removing its “GM Mark of Excellence” logo from all GM cars. Of course the GM Mark of Excellence logo doesn’t usually have to be removed because after 50 miles it just falls off.
Late Show with David Letterman
Bernie Madoff, the weasel king, received a copy of his mistress’s book while he’s in prison. And I thought, “Gosh, I hope he has time to read it.”
A new memo from the CIA has surfaced outlining approved torture methods: waterboarding, sleep deprivation, face-slapping . . . and attending a Donald Trump real estate seminar.
The Obamas are taking a vacation out on Martha’s Vineyard. It’s a big deal for the community out there. The people on Martha’s Vineyard are going crazy — they’re buying Obama T-shirts; they’re buying Obama mugs; they’re buying Obama caps . . . the only thing they’re not buying is his healthcare plan.
He has a great money-saving idea for a healthcare plan — if you need an X-ray, just drop by an airport, go right through the scanner. They’ll send you the results.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Questions Received By Palm Beach County Authorities About The 'Muck Monster'
9. "Can you get one of them Obama death panels to kill it?"
8. "Why do you keep asking if I've been drinking?"
7. "Is it true the Muck Monster is dating Kate Gosselin?"
6. "Can I follow the Muck Monster on Twitter?"
5. "Is the Muck Monster available for private parties?"
4. "Muck Monster . . . sounds like my ex-wife . . .
3. "Any chance this is Geico's new mascot?"
2. "If this thing attacks me, am I totally mucked?"
1. "Dick Cheney here — want me to take out the son-of-a-bitch?"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
In case anyone was worried that the Jackson family wouldn’t make any money off of Michael Jackson’s death, there’s a new Jackson family show, a reality show, following Jermaine, Marlin, Jackie, and Tito as they prepare for a reunion tour. I think a reality show will be the closest the Jacksons have come to reality in about 30 years.
There’s some controversy surrounding a sprinter from South Africa. Her name is Caster Semanya. Many are saying she is a he and they’re doing gender testing to find out. This doesn’t only happen in sports, either. It’s actually the reason Star Jones got kicked off “The View.”
The president of South Africa says he won’t permit her medals to be taken away no matter what the test shows. I guess he’ll mobilize the South African army or something.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon