Wednesday May 09 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
President Obama officially announced he is in favor of gay marriage. Of course, this is a monumental event. This is the first time Joe Biden said something Obama didn't have to apologize for.
The women know what this means. Now all the good ones will be married AND gay.
You know who is really against the president's position on gay marriage? Gay men afraid of commitment. Now they have no excuse.
My position is simple. I support any wedding I don't have to go to.
Today President Obama came out in favor of same-sex marriage. He said he hoped his support would make it easier for gay people to get married and for John Travolta to get a massage.
This week President Obama awarded Burt Bacharach the Gershwin Prize. If that doesn't increase Obama's street cred, nothing will.
"The Avengers" continues to break box-office records. The Pentagon refused to provide military hardware because they found the movie too unrealistic. They said they can't lend any tanks until they explain why the Hulk's pants don't fall off.
Late Show with David Letterman
According to the health department, New York City strip-club kitchens have the fewest health-code violations of all restaurants in the city. The same cannot be said for the girls, but the kitchen has the fewest health-code violations.
Membership and recruiting of al-Qaida is drying up. Far be it for me to tell terrorists about strategy but I think membership started to subside when they went to the suicide bomber exploding underpants.
Let's just say you put on the exploding underpants and you detonate. When they bring in the 72 virgins, then what?
Set your exploding underpants on low and you can use them to reheat delicious pizza bagels.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Today President Obama said he supports gay marriage, which is great news for the gay community. It wasn't all positive though. He also said the show "Glee" has jumped the shark.
Mitt Romney responded today by restating his own views on marriage. He said marriage should only take place between two consenting rich people.
Romney said he had no problem with gay people because one of his best friends owns San Francisco.
Soon we may live in a world where the only people opposed to gay marriage will be gay people who are married.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It was a big day for gay stuff today. First, news that North Carolina voted to approve an amendment that specifically defines marriage as between a man and a woman, which makes no sense because they let "Dawson's Creek" shoot there for years.
President Obama came out with approval of same-sex marriage. He said that over the years, he has been going through an evolution on the issue. That makes opponents on the far right doubly angry. They don't believe in gay marriage OR evolution.
Tomorrow Obama happens to have a fundraising dinner at George Clooney's house. Very interesting. I think they are getting married!
Hillary Clinton is making headlines now for nonpolitical reasons. She attended a number of public events without makeup on. Is that a big deal? I'm pretty sure Colin Powell went without makeup a lot.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Today Barack Obama became the first U.S. president to endorse same-sex marriage. Obama said he thinks same-sex marriage should be legal. Then he said, "Okay, now where's my show on Bravo?"
Yesterday New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said he’s not sure if he’s going to run for re-election next year. He’s said, “I’ll collapse that bridge when I get to it.”
Nestle is releasing new Crunch bars in Girl Scout cookie flavors like Thin Mint and Peanut Butter. And to make it even more authentic, Nestle’s CEO is having his parents pressure their coworkers into buying them.