It now appears that as many as a dozen members of the Secret Service were involved in that Colombian prostitution scandal. Now six of the agents have been reassigned. The other six are now party planners for the GSA.
Time magazine has come out with their 100 most influential people issue, and Newt Gingrich is not on the list. In fact, he's not even on the list of the 100 most influential Newts.
The NFL draft is going to be this Thursday. That's a huge night for college players. That's the night they start being paid over the table.
Lakers player Metta World Peace is still being criticized for the vicious elbow he threw over the weekend. I haven't seen an NBA player take an elbow like that since Kris Humphries got between Kim Kardashian and a camera.
For the first time in 40 years, more Mexicans are leaving the United States than are coming to it. Not because of our economy. Because they're sick and tired of explaining that Taco Bell isn't real Mexican food.
Megan Fox is pregnant — which is weird because I didn't know I could impregnate someone with my thoughts.
Political analysts are saying that President Obama doesn't want to be too critical of the Secret Service because their agents protect him every day — which explains why today President Obama said it was fiscally responsible to refuse to pay the prostitute.
Pizza Hut has introduced a new pizza that contains multiple cheeseburgers stuffed within the crust. It's the first pizza that comes with your choice of soda or an intervention.
It's Earth Week. So we're doing tonight's show with very little energy.
We're using our solar-powered applause sign. Not only that — my hairpiece is 100 percent hemp.
Mitt Romney is going to be the Republican nominee. They've already broken out the non-alcoholic champagne.
Some teenagers are reportedly drinking hand sanitizer to get drunk. Remember when Zima was the most embarrassing thing to drink?
Teenagers have been turning up with alcohol poisoning and officials are worried it will become a national trend. Drinking hand sanitizer is of particular concern because Purell is considered to be a gateway soap.
Purell could lead to lime cascade or scrubbing bubbles.
The kids use salt to separate the alcohol from the sanitizer, which makes a liquid similar to a hard shot of liquor. You know what else is similar to a shot of hard liquor? A shot of hard liquor. Why not just steal a shot of liquor from your parent's liquor cabinet and refill it with iced tea like normal American kids, or pay a homeless guy to buy it for you like our forefathers did?
Tonight on the show we have the president of the United States, Barack Obama. Unfortunately, though, a lot of people weren't able to get tickets. That includes students, professors, Joe Biden.
We also have Dave Matthews performing tonight. He wasn't originally the musical guest, but we had a last-minute cancellation by the Tupac hologram.
Even though the president just got here today, I've been here at the University of North Carolina for two days now, and I've been having the best time hanging out with the Secret Service. They just know how to party.
President Obama said he's not going to pander to the UNC students and tell them what they want to hear. I thought it was weird when they changed his slogan from "Yes, we can" to "Duke sucks."