The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

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Conan

Mitt Romney has already begun the process of choosing a running mate. Romney wants someone with a different ethnicity who appeals to women, so his first choice is President Obama.

The 116th Boston Marathon was won by a woman from Kenya and a man from Kenya. It was a very exciting race. Both winners narrowly edged out someone from Kenya.

A British historical society declared that Britain’s greatest foe of all time was George Washington, our George Washington. Coming in second place was Adolf Hitler and third place went to Madonna’s accent.

 

Late Show with David Letterman

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The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Somebody stole five vintage guitars from Tom Petty right before his concert tour. If the criminals are caught, they ought to be charged with a misdemeanor because it’s a “petty” theft.

An 83-year-old woman from England is calling herself the world’s oldest supermodel. I’m just going to keep calling her by her real name, Madonna.

President Obama talked about the Secret Service prostitution scandal, saying he’s reserving judgment until all the facts are in, or at least until he figures out a way to blame this on Mitt Romney.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

This week is National Volunteer Week. This is the week to do one nice thing so you spend the rest of the year telling everyone about it.

I try not to volunteer too much this week, because I don't want the rest of the year to get its expectations up.

Congratulations are in order for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, who just got engaged. You know what, I knew there was something going on between those two.

At the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals and was bit on the hand by a penguin. If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you.

 

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

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