Wednesday Apr 11 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The average wedding now costs $27,000. Well, no wonder Newt Gingrich is broke. He's constantly shelling out all that money.
Newt Gingrich's campaign paid $500 to get his name on the Utah primary ballot, and the check bounced. You know, if Newt is spending money he doesn't have, maybe he really is qualified to be president.
The price of gasoline has now doubled under President Obama's administration. He and Jimmy Carter are the only presidents ever to have had that happen. But in fairness, at least under President Obama we don't have to listen to disco.
It looks like Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are dating, and apparently they're getting serious. Friends say Kanye is the man Kim wants to spend the rest of her month with.
George W. Bush said he wishes people would stop referring to his tax policy as the Bush tax cuts. He also wishes people would stop referring to his presidency as the eight-year oopsy.
In Alabama, a meth lab was found operating inside a Walmart bathroom. On the bright side, Walmart is finally selling products that are made in America.
Burger King has announced they are testing a new bacon sundae. They also announced that they're changing their slogan to "Have it your way to die, humans, die!"
Late Show with David Letterman
Rick Santorum has dropped out of the race. He wanted to ban gambling and outlaw pornography. And this is a guy who claims Romney is out of touch with America.
Now that Santorum is out of the race, that leaves Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul out there vying for the crackpot vote.
Gingrich is $5 million in debt. And he's the guy who was going to fix our economy.
Newt looks like the guy at your class reunion you don't recognize.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Snooki said today she's put in blond hair extensions. I don't think Snooki should go blond. People will think she is dumb.
Bird-like dinosaurs were found with eggs. It is a big deal because fossils of dinosaurs and their eggs have never been found in the same place. I think it is nice that scientists found the eggs on Easter week.
If I were one of the scientists, I would have played a trick on the others and secretly switched the dinosaur eggs with Cadbury's Creme Eggs.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Another strange story from Arizona. A bill signed by the governor would declare a woman to be pregnant two weeks before conception. So congratulations, ladies, you are all Arizona pregnant.
I wonder if they realize in Arizona that they will not be able to report any female illegal immigrants because they are all pregnant with babies who will be citizens.
Florida congressman Allen West made an interesting statement yesterday. He believes there are about 78 to 81 members of the Democratic Party who are members of the Communist Party. Really? I think it's time for someone to lay off the Tom Clancy novels.
West is a guy that some think should be Mitt Romney's running mate. I would like that. We haven't had a truly crazy vice president . . . well, until now.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
It turns out that Newt Gingrich’s campaign wrote a $500 check to participate in the Utah primary, but it bounced. Even M.C. Hammer was like, "Manage your money, bro.”
Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. Jindal said he couldn’t think of a better way to show his support than waiting until Romney was the only guy left.
After dropping out of the GOP race, Rick Santorum emailed his supporters to ask for help paying off his campaign debt. So if you believe in his message of responsible spending and no handouts, just give him a handout to cover all his irresponsible spending.
Harvard Law School will soon offer a class called "Understanding Obama" — while Barnum & Bailey Clown College will offer a class called "Understanding Biden.”