Friday Aug 28 2009
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
There are at least four major fires in Los Angeles today, and one of them is threatening a golf course owned by Donald Trump. Fire officials are afraid one spark could set off that tumbleweed on Trump’s head.
President Obama is on vacation, and publishers are saying that every time President Obama is seen reading a book on his vacation, sales of that book skyrocket. Historians say we’ve experienced this before — like the time President Bush was photographed reading “Everybody Poops.”
Earlier this week in a television interview, John McCain said he’s never experienced anything like the current debate over healthcare. Then McCain turned to the camera and said, “I’ve also never experienced anything like the rich, bold flavor of new Lemon-Zest Metamucil.”
California is trying very hard to get out of debt — this weekend, the government of California is holding a huge garage sale to raise money for the state. Even if you don’t really need anything, this may be your only chance to haggle with Gov. Schwarzenegger over a $2 spatula.
Late Show with David Letterman
According to financial experts, including Ben Bernanke, the recession may be over. Just wait until we tell the 11 million people without jobs.
KFC has come out with a sandwich with slices of bacon and cheese between two slabs of fried chicken. There’s no bread, just fried chicken. And I’m thinking, “Congress better hurry up and come out with that healthcare plan.”
President Obama is vacationing in Martha’s Vineyard. It’s a good time for a vacation, isn’t it? I mean, everything’s fixed, right?
Sen. John McCain celebrates his birthday over the weekend. If you’re looking for a gift, you can’t go wrong with the Very Old Navy.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ways The Show Has Changed Since 1993
10. Now do the bulk of my drinking after the show
9. People used to pretend to like me. Now they pretend to tolerate me
8. Global warming has raised theater temperature to 38 degrees
7. I lost 280 pounds with Deal-a-Meal
6. Crazy lady we used to piss off: Madonna. Now crazy lady we piss off: Sarah Palin
5. Audience is here to see if I drop dead on stage
4. Dwindling amount of hate mail; burgeoning amount of hate e-mail
3. Every 10 minutes someone is dropping a flashlight
2. Used to talk with sexiest women in the world. Now I interview Artie Lange
1. Emmy Awards replaced with "Fire Dave" rallies
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
What a way to end the summer: There’s a tropical storm headed toward the East Coast, and the West Coast is on fire. If the country was a pancake, we could just flip it over and be fine.
The state of California is $30 billion in debt, and there’s no way we can pay it back, so what we’ve decided to do is set it on fire and collect the insurance.
The state of California is having a garage sale . . . which probably not a good sign. The largest state in the union probably shouldn’t have to hold a garage sale to pay its debts.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon