Monday Apr 09 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Today was the annual White House Easter Egg Roll, or as Republicans call it, "President Obama's socialist egg redistribution."
Mitt Romney had an Easter egg hunt as well. He does it a little differently. He hides money offshore, then the kids hunt for the nest egg.
A number of passengers recently discovered maggots in a bag of snack mix they were given aboard a flight from Los Angeles to Australia. How unbelievable is that? An airline that still serves snacks?
Keith Olbermann is suing his former employer, Current TV, for $70 million. That comes out to $10 million per viewer.
Newt Gingrich says he still has a chance. He say people walk up to him all the time and beg him to stay in the presidential race. It's a group of people known as Democrats.
It's being reported that 74-year-old Morgan Freeman is planning to marry his 27-year-old step-granddaughter. The whole story sounds a little creepy unless you hear it narrated by Morgan Freeman.
In Kansas, the Mega Millions winner who took home $157 million has chosen to remain anonymous. A spokesman for the winner said his client just wants to blend in with all of the other people in Kansas who have $157 million.
The media are reporting that American universities are being infiltrated by foreign spies. They say everyone should be on the lookout for any student who is paying attention and taking notes.
Late Show with David Letterman
Bad news for the governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie. While celebrating Easter they rushed him to the hospital with an impacted peep.
The Masters, the first major golf tournament of the year and probably the most prestigious, came down to a play-off. At one point a guy scored a double eagle. The only thing more rare at the Augusta golf club is a female member.
The membership committee at Augusta say they will still not admit women to the club. However, beginning next month they are going to start admitting effeminate men.
Over the weekend Mitt Romney went body surfing. He has not body surfed since the '90s when he starred on "Baywatch."
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Maryland state officials say they're being invaded by a dangerous fish called a snakehead. The problem with these fish is they eat everything in their path. A few snakeheads will go through a lake's ecosystem faster than Johnny Depp goes through a bottle of mascara.
I used to love going fishing. I think it was really about the clothes. Nothing says real man like a vest with 38 pockets and a mesh hat with hooks in it.
There's something very satisfying about waking up early, catching fish, gutting it, and cooking it up yourself. But there's something even more satisfying about staying in bed all day and then going to a restaurant and having fish.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Thirty thousand kids and their parents participated in the annual White House Easter Egg Roll, which has been going on for years. At this point there has to be thousands of undiscovered Easter eggs on the lawn of the White House. Future civilizations will think we were ruled by chickens.
Newt Gingrich admitted to The Washington Post that he knows he probably won't be the Republican nominee for president, but he's not bowing out of the race because he's $5 million in debt. So he needs to keep raising money. How do you continue to raise money when you've already admitted you probably won't win?
A woman accused Lindsay Lohan of pinching her at a hotel in L.A. The only problem with the story is that Lindsay and the people at the hotel say she wasn't there. If only there was a group of people who chronicled her every move with cameras and video equipment — then we would know if the charges were legit.
Bubba Watson won the masters. Tiger Woods finished in 40th place. A lot of people picked Tiger to finish first, but it was his worst finish there since his start as an amateur. One more performance like that and they might demote him to miniature golf.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Over the weekend, Mitt Romney was actually spotted bodyboarding in California. Yeah, Romney would have gone surfing, but you know — he hates standing for something.
Actually, it turned out there weren’t enough waves that day, so Romney asked Newt Gingrich to do a cannonball.
Joe Biden launched a new Twitter account to give supporters updates from the campaign trail. Like his most recent update: "They still won't let me go on the campaign trail.”