Thursday Apr 05 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The earth's population is now well past 7 billion people. And still, the Republicans can't find one candidate they really like.
Rick Santorum's campaign is now formally calling on Newt Gingrich to drop out of the race. But you know Newt. He has vowed to stay in. And believe me, when Newt Gingrich takes a vow, he keeps it — unless, of course, you know, marriage.
President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn't you think that was already illegal?
So they were profiting from insider information. Why didn't they use inside information to pay off the $15 trillion debt?
Tomorrow night is the Jewish holiday of Passover. Or as we call it here in Los Angeles, "Cinco de Matzo."
The Mega Millions controversy is getting stranger by the day. The Maryland woman who claims she is the winner held a press conference where she not only failed to present the winning ticket but quickly asked the press to leave. In other words, she is full of mega B.S.
Even though this woman claims she won, surveillance footage shows the ticket was purchased by a man. Either she is lying or we're all trapped inside a new Tyler Perry movie.
Late Show with David Letterman
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The woman who says she bought the winning Mega Millions ticket now says she's hidden it inside the McDonald's where she works. That's the dumbest plan I've ever heard. Doesn't she already know there's a hamburglar already inside the building?
Google announced they are making glasses that have embedded technology that projects data on the lenses in front of your eyes. Some people formed a group online to stop the new technology. An online group to stop new technology — does anybody see the irony here?
The protesters say Google is underestimating the dangers of merging man with machine. Well, they're a little late to stop that half-man, half-cyborg thing. They're already here. One of them just captured the Republican nomination.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It was opening day for baseball today. Remember baseball? It used to be our national pastime before Facebook.
I'm glad baseball is back. I was getting sick of paying only $2 for a beer.
China has overtaken the United States as the world's biggest food and grocery market. That means they buy and consume more food than we do. Which — when you think about it — of course they do. A half hour after they eat, they're hungry again. It's Chinese food.
Last year, China spent $964 billion in groceries, whereas we only spent $908 billion. China has a billion people. We have 300 million. Why weren't they always the biggest market for groceries? Are they allowed to eat now?
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
A new picture was just released of President Obama giving the Star Trek Vulcan salute at the White House. Even Spock was like, "Whoa — look at that guy’s ears!”
Yesterday Ryan Seacrest finally made his highly publicized "major announcement" on the "Today" show — revealing that he will take part in NBC’s coverage of the London Olympics. The other thing he revealed? That he doesn't know what a major announcement is.
The sister of Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is making a reality show about young people in the tech world — while the sister of the MySpace founder is making a reality show about a guy who has to move in with his sister.
Kim Kardashian said that she wants to be a more private person. Then she was like, "And you can see me try in my new reality series ‘Kim Kardashian: Private Person.’”