Monday Apr 02 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Welcome, lotto losers. Remember, you're not just losers. You're mega-losers! If it makes you feel any better, the odds of winning were 176 million to 1 — about the same odds the Supreme Court will pass Obamacare.
There were three winning lotto tickets. I guess we're not sure who the three winners are yet. But when they do come forward, two things happen immediately. You get a call from the IRS asking for half. Then you get a call from your friends and relatives asking for the other half.
That was so much money that the JetBlue pilot could afford to go nuts on his own private plane.
Betty White has a new show on NBC called "Off Their Rockers" where senior citizens prank young people. It's kind of like what we're doing to them with Social Security.
Three people have won the Mega Millions lottery. You know what that means — three more votes for Mitt Romney.
Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney has no principles. In other words, he has given Romney his official endorsement.
iTunes announced a controversial app has been pulled after people said it was designed for stalkers. The developers say they will resubmit their app under its original name: Facebook.
Oprah Winfrey's longtime boyfriend Stedman Graham has written a book about being proud of who you are. It's not helping that the cover of the book says, "Written by Oprah Winfrey's boyfriend."
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Mega Millions jackpot added up to a record $656 million. Three people correctly picked all six numbers. Now the plan is to throw them into a pit of some kind and have them fight to the death.
The winning tickets were sold in Illinois, Kansas, and Maryland. All we know is their first names are Khloe, Kourtney, and Kim.
I always think it's funny that people wait in line for hours and hours when it's $640 million, but if it's a hundred million, it's not really worth it. None of the people in that line were winners in any sense of the word. They stood in line for nothing, wasting a whole day.
Tonight's the end of March Madness. It will be an entire year before we hear the word "Gonzaga" again.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday was April Fools' Day. Mitt Romney's staffers played a prank on him by staging a fake campaign event in an empty room — or as Newt Gingrich put it, "My staff has been playing that prank on me for six months."
I read that the odds of winning the Mega Millions jackpot were only 1 in 176 million — or as most people put it, "Well, yeah. That's why I bought two."
On Saturday the Empire State Building went dark for an hour to draw attention to climate change. Of course, 10 endangered eagles then crashed into the building.