Thursday Mar 29 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
This Mega Millions lottery jackpot is now over half a billion dollars. That is so much money, I saw Mitt Romney buying a lotto ticket.
What do you think your odds are of winning that jackpot? The last odds I checked, 176 million to 1. But then again, still better odds than Newt Gingrich getting the nomination.
I think even President Obama realizes the Obamacare thing is not looking good in front of the Supreme Court. He's starting to downplay it. Like, today, he called it Bidencare.
The Pope met with Fidel Castro yesterday. As you know, the Pope is the world's most recognized religious figure, not counting Tim Tebow.
Charlie Sheen says he cringes when he watches footage of his crazy rant from last year. He's moved on. He's now focusing on his career as a JetBlue pilot.
Speaking of JetBlue, the co-pilot said the pilot was making crazy remarks even while they were still on the ground. They knew he lost his mind when he announced "Ladies and gentlemen, we are scheduled for an on-time departure."
Yesterday, Mitt Romney told what he thought was a humorous story about how his father closed down a Michigan factory. Then Romney went on to quote some of his favorite funny quotes from the movie "Schindler's List."
Yesterday Joe Biden thanked Dr. Pepper instead of a woman named Dr. Paper. Biden apologized and said he meant no disre-sprite.
Late Show with David Letterman
Anybody on that JetBlue flight that everybody's talking about? There were early signs that the captain was wacky. He let people use their cell phones during take-off.
Seems Mitt Romney is going to get the nomination. That brings to mind the question of why we still have the other candidates. Rick Santorum wants to keep raising awareness for conservative issues. Newt Gingrich wants to stay in the public eye and sell more books. And Ron Paul doesn't want to return to his old life of panning for gold.
Newt Gingrich is down to 12 staffers. The guy has more chins than that.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Today Lindsay Lohan's judge switched her from formal probation to informal probation for her shoplifting arrest. Informal probation is similar to formal probation but you can wear flip-flops.
The probation hearing was carried live on E! Online. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I don't think there should be red carpets at a probation hearing.
There's a new reality show on VH1 called couple's therapy. The idea is troubled celebrity couples go through relationship counsels on TV. It might be time for VH1 to change their name to the Celebrity Sadness Channel.
The big drawing for the Mega Millions jackpot happens tomorrow night. It's at $540 million now, the biggest jackpot in the history of the world. Either that or it's the biggest April Fool's prank in the history of the lottery commission.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
A new poll found that President Obama’s approval rating is above 50 percent for the first time since last May. Obama made sure to thank the people who made that possible — Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, and Ron Paul.
Rick Santorum gave a speech at the Jelly Belly factory in California. Incidentally, "Jelly Belly Factory" was also Newt Gingrich’s nickname in college.
A recent survey showed that Rick Santorum is the favorite GOP candidate among Republican women. When he heard that, Santorum was like, "Wait — women have the right to vote?"
This week in Ireland an elephant escaped from a circus and ended up at a mall. Fortunately, the elephant didn’t hurt anyone — but he did sit in one of those Brookstone massage chairs with no intention of buying it.