Wednesday Mar 28 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
A group headed up by Magic Johnson bought the Dodgers for $2 billion. How much are beer and hot dogs going to cost at Dodger Stadium now?
Gas prices are expected to continue to rise throughout the summer, and oil companies say it's because of high demand due to warmer summer weather — as opposed to what they told us a couple of months ago, that oil prices went up because of higher demand for winter heating oil. So basically, if there's weather, gas prices go up.
Newt Gingrich announced today he is laying off a third of his campaign staff. Is that surprising? He laid off two-thirds of his wives.
"Titanic" is being re-released in 3-D, and they tried to update it a little bit to play to the younger crowd. In the new version, the captain hits the iceberg because he's texting.
An investment group headed by Magic Johnson has reached a deal to buy the Los Angeles Dodgers. Magic said he won't make any major changes other than the Dodgers will now play basketball.
It's never a good sign when the best athlete on your team is the owner.
"The Hunger Games" mania continues. After "Twilight" fans were called Twi-hards, "Hunger Games" fans have now been dubbed Hunger-lings. "John Carter" fans are referred to as "That guy who saw 'John Carter.'"
A recent report shows that pot smokers get into fewer car crashers than drunk people. Then again, it's easier to see what is coming when you're driving at 11 miles an hour.
Late Show with David Letterman
Tim Tebow is a member of the New York Jets. He's a nice guy, good-looking young kid, religious, clean-cut guy, moves to New York City. What could possibly go wrong?
The Carnegie Deli down the street named a sandwich after Tim Tebow. I think when you consider Tim Tebow, you think of a kosher deli.
Mitt Romney was a guest on "The Tonight Show" on NBC. It's interesting — you have an empty suit trying to please everyone, and then Romney comes out.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say
"Hey Lindbergh, get off my lap!"
"We'll be cruising at an altitude of 75 feet"
"Here's a little something I once tried at an air show"
"I love this airport — the terminals are the right height"
"Bring daddy a whiskey sour"
"We'll be arriving in Newark shortly"
"Help! I'm covered in ticks"
"Enjoy the in-flight movie, starring myself and the co-pilot's wife"
"If you turn your attention to the front of the airplane, you'll see me being hog-tied by an air marshal"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The International Olympic Committee decided that at the Summer Games in London this year, female beach volleyball players will no longer be required to wear bikinis. This is the saddest day in volleyball since Tom Hanks let Wilson float away.
What do they think we watch beach volleyball for? The volleying?
A study claims eight out of 109 cities that value sex the most are in California. So thank you, Governor Schwarzenegger.
Seven of the eight cities that value sex the most are in the L.A. area. That makes sense. We have Paris Hilton and Charlie Sheen living here.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Ron Paul said it’s still too early to count him out as the Republican nominee. Seriously? That’s like Newt Gingrich saying it’s too early to count him out as an Abercrombie model.
A high school here in New York is asking Knicks point guard Jeremy Lin to speak at its graduation. Lin plans on telling the kids they can be anything they dream of — for about two weeks.
Alicia Silverstone is making news for feeding her son by chewing his food and then passing it into his mouth. Even birds are like, "Just buy him some Gerber, you weirdo!”
This week Walt Disney’s stock reached its highest point in a year. In fact, Disney is so wealthy, today Mickey and Minnie endorsed Mitt Romney for president.