Tuesday Mar 27 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Osama bin Laden's family has been charged with being in Pakistan illegally. But their lawyer says they were just there willing to do the terrorist jobs the Pakistanis didn't want to do.
The Pope visited Cuba yesterday and witnessed a miracle. Fidel Castro is still breathing.
In New York City this week, they had the annual Greek Independence Day Parade. In fact, it was so authentically Greek that before the parade even started it was $12 million in debt.
A madam in New York City claims that John Edwards was a customer in her brothel. You hear that kind of thing and it really makes you lose respect for prostitutes, doesn't it?
Newt Gingrich's campaign is charging people $50 to pose for a picture with Newt. And for $100 you can get one without Newt.
The Supreme Court is deciding right now whether the government can mandate that all Americans buy health insurance. Rick Santorum said, "There's no way I'm letting the government make me go on a man date."
The man who hacked into Scarlett Johansson's cell phone and posted nude photos of her has pled guilty. However, the judge has reduced the man's sentence if he solemnly swears to do it again.
In Germany, a court has ruled that German police are allowed to racially profile citizens. But don't worry. It's Germany, so things shouldn't get out of hand.
Late Show with David Letterman
They're so excited to see the Pope in Cuba. They raised a lot of money and bought him a brand-new 1955 Chrysler.
The Pope is down there in Cuba to fire up the Catholics and to scout pitchers for the Yankees.
Over the weekend they gave Dick Cheney a heart transplant. Finally all of those midnight trips to the graveyard with the hunchbacked assistant have paid off.
Dick Cheney was talking to a reporter right after the surgery and he said he wants to live long enough to make sure nobody else gets healthcare.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Spending $50 On A Photo With Newt Gingrich
How much have I paid for pictures with other guys named Newt?
Should I just photograph myself burning $50?
Do I look Newty enough?
Should I just get a free photo with some other guy who's not going to be president?
Do I have to touch him?
Is this how Newt met his three wives?
Seriously, have I lost my mind?
Does Newt have to be in the photo?
What would Rick Santorum think of this idea?
Will Rush Limbaugh think I'm a slut?
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
For the first time in history, Americans will watch more movies online than they will on physical media like DVDs. Four billion will be watched the old-fashioned way. In 10 years people will be looking back on us renting movies at Blockbuster like we look back at people washing their clothes on a river rock.
Newt Gingrich is hoping to cut into his campaign debt by charging people $50 to take a photo with him. Just imagine — a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get a personal picture with a man who will never be the president of the United States.
I would pay the 50 bucks if he agreed to wear a prom dress in the photo.
There's an exercise program started in Massachusetts called broga. It's a form of yoga for men. It combines bro and yoga. When I heard the word broga, I threw up and lost four pounds.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Apparently Tim Tebow is looking for a house in the same neighborhood where Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez lives. It’s right at the intersection of Awkward and Yikes.
A strip club in New York is offering to give Tim Tebow his first lap dance for free. It’ll be the first time where the customer is the one who keeps yelling "No touching.”
A woman here in New York claims that her blind date stole her iPhone and her wallet. She was like, "I have to get that iPhone back — I mean, what if he calls"?
This week a man wearing a Batman costume was pulled over while driving a Lamborghini. I think the real story here is that a grown man who owns a Batman costume can actually afford a Lamborghini.