Monday Mar 19 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The Denver Broncos have signed Peyton Manning as their new quarterback. That means Tim Tebow may be traded. There's no telling where he'll end up — you know, like one of his passes.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he taught his dog to roll over . . . an IRA.
The new iPad went on sale this week. The picture's so fantastic, you can see with amazing clarity just how obsolete the iPad you got for Christmas is.
This week the makers of Camel cigarettes said 10 percent of its workers would be eliminated by 2014 — especially if they keep smoking Camels.
A photo of a shirtless Rick Santorum lounging in a pool is circulating on the Internet. Ironically, the photo has proven to be a very effective form of birth control.
Over the weekend, a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters tried to reoccupy a New York park. You can tell the movement has been hurting for funds. This time they called themselves "Occupy Wall Street brought to you by Sony Pictures '21 Jump Street.'"
A new study shows that 30 million China citizens live in caves. A spokesperson for the citizens said, "Hey, it beats making iPads."
A Massachusetts medical clinic is trying to entice men to get a vasectomy by offering a free pizza. The disturbing part is for both the pizza and the vasectomy, they use the same rolling wheel knife.
Late Show with David Letterman
Peyton Manning is signing with the Denver Broncos. Glad to see something good finally happen to somebody in that family.
Peyton Manning will be the quarterback for the Denver Broncos, replacing Tim Tebow, their current quarterback. This answers the question, "What would Jesus do?" Well, he'd sign Peyton Manning.
George Clooney was arrested. He was charged with reckless handsomeness.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
In the 1970s vampires were pretty boring. The scariest vampire was Count Chocula. One bite of Count Chocula and you were cursed with Type 2 diabetes.
Anne Rice changed that. "Interview with the Vampire" came out in 1976 — vampires existentially torn between sensual pleasures of this world and the curse of eternal life. Today's vampires are torn only between their tousled hair and their chiseled abs.
The key way to tell who is a vampire is to remember that they grow older without any change to their physical appearance. In other words, Rob Lowe is a vampire.
Vampires cannot come into your home unless you invite them. That means that Santa Claus is not a vampire because he can get into your house.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Today was a big night in the world of televised dancing — the season premiere of "Dancing with the Stars." It is exciting to watch these performances and realize that one day, one of these stars could turn out to be an actual star.
On Friday Apple released the latest version of the iPad. Apple is now working on the next iPad, and it comes pregnant with the next iPad after that.
Rick Santorum wants to crack down on pornography. Most political analysts say it could hurt him with the "every single man in America" vote.
Santorum said when he's in the White House he'll tell his attorney general to prosecute people who distribute any content that is deemed obscene. Will he appoint a team to watch porn all day? If so, he could solve the unemployment crisis.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
People in New York are still recovering from St. Patrick's Day. I don’t want to say I drank a lot, but this morning I cut myself shaving and Guinness came out.
Donald Trump’s sons shot and killed endangered animals on a safari. They got an elephant, a crocodile, and that thing on their dad’s head.
After being arrested on Friday, George Clooney said he used his one phone call in jail to call his mother. When Clooney called his mom, even she was like, "Oh my God — it’s George Clooney!”
Peyton Manning has agreed to join the Denver Broncos, which means Denver will trade Tim Tebow after just one year as a starter. Even Kim Kardashian was like, "Come on, who dumps a pro athlete that quickly?”