Wednesday Mar 14 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Newt Gingrich has promised to cut the price of gas to $2.50 a gallon. It's not catching on with voters. How bad a candidate are you that people are willing to pay higher gas prices just to keep you out of office?
Not a good week for President Obama either. His approval rating has dropped 9 percent in the last month to an all-time low of 41 percent. In fact, if this keeps up, the White House said they may have to fish out bin Laden and shoot him all over again.
A new CBS poll found that 80 percent of Americans say they are not better off than they were four years ago. The other 20 percent own gas stations.
A Harvard study says that one out of 10 deaths are caused by red meat. You know what that really means? Nine of those 10 people were killed by vegetables.
Late Show with David Letterman
A new study says if you eat meat — like hamburgers and hot dogs — it will kill you. So next time you go to a ballpark, do yourself a favor and try the trout. You can't beat ballpark trout.
How about those Republican presidential candidates. Newt Gingrich is behind in delegates. But he's leading in chins.
St. Patrick's Day — what better way to honor Ireland's greatest saint than to sit on a curb wearing a plastic derby and vomiting in the street.
Beautiful day in New York City. It was 75 and cloudy. It was so nice today that the carjackers were coming in through the sunroof.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims.
Since then, pretty much every country has developed a pie-like food that reflects their national character. Mexico has empanadas. Russia has pirogues. Ireland has bottles of whiskey.
Here they have a place called House of Pies. I've been going there for years. Quentin Tarantino goes there to write. I couldn't concentrate on writing if I was close to all those pies. I can't even focus when there's a pie in the state.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Do we have any college basketball fans here tonight? The play-in round of March Madness finished up tonight. Tomorrow the tournament gets started for real with 36 games in four days, followed by St. Patrick's Day. What they're calling madness in reality might just be alcohol poisoning.
The NCAA college basketball tournament is one of the biggest events in sports. CBS will take in more than $600 million of ad revenue over three weeks. Of that, the players receive — what's 0 percent of $600 million?
Rick Santorum has been on a roll lately. CNN came up with a clever word for this — Santorumentum. Are they serious? It sounds like something you put under your nose or the name of a drug.
Bothered by irregularity? Constipation? Santorumentum — the twice-a-day medication, not covered by Obamacare. Consult Jesus before taking any medication.