Drug users in San Francisco have now formed a drug user's union. So look for the union label when you're buying crack.
Actually, the drug users are really different now that they've formed a union. Now one guy smokes crack and four other guys stand around watching.
Police across the country say there's been a spike in criminals stealing Tide laundry detergent. So I guess all those commercials that say it cleans blood stains are really paying off.
If you steal Tide laundry detergent, would that be considered a white-collar crime?
Rush Limbaugh is losing advertisers. Crisco was one and then he lost Hostess Cupcakes. Now the only advertiser Rush has left on his radio show is Conrad Murray's Sleep Clinic.
How about the weather — 72 degrees outside. I'll tell you know why it's so warm. Remember Sunday? We turned our thermometers ahead.
You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that's the case, what is Mitt short for? It's short for "Mittens."
Top Ten Signs You're A Terrible Singer
Your CD is in a bin labeled "Crap for a Quarter"
You sing like the Mets play baseball
Amnesty International is begging you to stop
People who say that "You've got great pipes" are referring to your actual plumbing
Verse, chorus, wet cough, verse, chorus, hacking wet cough
A church choir tries to trade you to another church choir
Your album warning label reads: "Caution: Do Not Play"
Your neighbors always ask if you've been trying to breed cats
You're this guy (Mitt Romney singing)
Instead of iTunes, you're on iSuck
This was the day in 1781 when we discovered the planet Uranus. Sir William Herschel first observed it. I don't think Uranus would be great to visit. It shines brightly, but it's ice cold, pale white, and very distant. Like Gwyneth Paltrow.
The planet furthest away from the sun used to be Pluto. But apparently it wasn't good enough. In 2006, Pluto was downgraded. It's now a dwarf planet, which I think is insensitive. "Little People Planet" would be fine.
When I found out Pluto wasn't a planet, I had to relearn everything I knew about Pluto. Luckily, the only thing I knew about Pluto was that it was a planet.
Asteroids are dull pieces of rock. There are tons of them, and they're in all shapes and sizes. That's why scientists refer to them as Kardashians of the solar system.
Tonight is night one of the NCAA basketball tournament. March Madness officially begins tonight. Don't forget to set your wallet back 20 bucks.
Like most places of business, we have an office pool here at the show. We have an office pool where we bet who will win the office pool.
There's a new study that shows the NCAA basketball tournament will drastically reduce workplace productivity in March. Five million workers will waste 90 minutes a day watching basketball and filling out brackets. Maybe we should export March Madness to China to slow them down a little.
President Obama was at one of the games at Dayton, Ohio, tonight. He brought British Prime Minister David Cameron with him. It's part of a cultural exchange program. They go to a basketball game here, and then in July the prime minister has invited Obama to England to take part in a soccer riot.