Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won in Arizona and Michigan. Romney is so excited, he almost loosened his tie.
Not a good day for Rick Santorum. I haven't seen him this depressed since they invented the birth control pill.
I think Rick Santorum learned something yesterday. He learned that the Electoral College is not for everyone.
Gas prices are so high that Mitt Romney's wife can only afford to drive one Cadillac.
It's being reported that Snooki is pregnant. When Rick Santorum heard the news, he immediately came out in favor of birth control.
Snooki is three months pregnant. Doctors say the young life form swimming in fluids of only minor brain development is going to have a very healthy baby.
Mitt Romney won a squeaker in Michigan last night. Today in Detroit he asked supporters to donate money to his campaign. Of course, the people pointed out that they live in Detroit and he's Mitt Romney.
Scientists are looking into the world's oldest murder case — a man who was murdered 5,000 years ago. Larry King immediately came forward with an alibi.
Are you excited about leap day? I mean, my God, who doesn't want an extra day of February?
Mitt Romney won in Michigan last night. It was certainly a close race — a real nail-biter or, in Romney's case, a real manicure.
They went crazy celebrating. A friend of mine who was in campaign headquarters said that after he won and the lights were turned off and people were going home, Romney took off his jacket and chugged a glass of tap water.
Rick Santorum thinks that global warming, climate change, is a hoax. Let me ask you something, Rick. If you think global warming and climate change is a hoax, how do you explain those sleeveless sweaters?
It is leap day. There are a lot of strange traditions. In Ireland and Norway, women are supposed to ask men to marry them and in Denmark if, the man refuses he must give the woman 12 pairs of his gloves. Come on, Danish ladies! If a man owns 12 pairs of gloves, he is probably not the marrying kind. At least not marrying a woman kind.
Do you know who was born on leap day? Tony Robbins. He is a life coach. He helps you manage to achieve things. I used to have a life coach called cocaine. I achieved jail time.
Why do we need a leap day every four years? Because the earth orbits the sun every 365 days and six hours. In an astronomical sense, it is a tiny amount of time. Six hours. Scientists refer to it as a Kardashian marriage.
Leap day, as you know, comes around every four years. Like the Olympics or going to the dentist.
I learned something. Julius Caesar came up with leap day like 2,000 years ago. Julius Caesar invented leap day. And salad, I think.
According to multiple news sources, Snooki from "Jersey Shore" is pregnant. Which is unusual. They don't usually mate in captivity.
CNN asked Snooki's publicist to confirm or deny the rumors. They got no comment. Remember when CNN talked about elections and hurricanes?
Last night Mitt Romney came in first place in the Michigan primary, although he barely won. Incidentally, "barely one" is also the total number of votes Ron Paul received.
In yesterday's Michigan primary, Newt Gingrich actually came in fourth place. Or as the ice cream in his freezer put it, it's gonna be a long night.
Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney is so closed-minded that he would have fired Christopher Columbus. Romney denied it, saying, "Are you kidding me? A man with three boats, that's my kind of guy."
North Korea has officially agreed to suspend its nuclear program. Apparently they watched one episode of "Toddlers and Tiaras" and realized we're destroying our own society.