Monday Feb 27 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Congratulations to "The Artist." It won the best picture Oscar. Some critics believe this will bring back silent films. Before we bring back silent films, let's try to bring back silent audiences.
Did you see how many women at the Oscars wore their hair up and tied way back? That's because you don't need as much Botox if you make that knot really tight.
Last night was the Oscars and the NBA All-Star Game. That's what's great about America. You've got your choice of which spoiled millionaires to watch.
Due to the rising price of oil and gas, the Obama administration announced today they are considering dipping into our national strategic re-election reserves. I mean, I'm sorry — strategic oil reserves.
Last night "The Artist" won five Oscars. That works out to one Oscar for every person who saw the movie.
Last night 82-year-old Christopher Plummer became the oldest actor to ever win an Academy Award. Of course, when the show started, he was only 79.
The house in Pakistan where Osama bin Laden was killed has been demolished. But not before each member of SEAL Team 6 was allowed to bring one date there.
As of today, Rick Santorum will be assigned Secret Service agents. This is the first time Santorum has agreed to use any kind of protection.
Late Show with David Letterman
I love the Academy Awards. The glitter, the tinsel, the stretch limousines, the stretched faces. It's wonderful.
The show lasted four and a half hours. And they have the nerve to give out an award for editing.
Rick Santorum now says he's against separation of church and state. But he's not against separation of sweaters and sleeves.
A crazy billionaire is going to give Newt Gingrich $100 million. Gingrich is so excited. He said, "Wow, now I can come pretty close to settling up my bill at Tiffany's."
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things You Shouldn't Say In An Academy Awards Acceptance Speech
"This is for you, Kim Jong-Il"
"I've had sex with every woman in this year's dead actor montage"
"Take that, 99-percenters!"
"I'd like to take this opportunity to endorse the next President of the United States, Rick Santorum"
"I owe it all to my creepy religious cult"
"My wife drives a couple of Cadillacs"
"Now I'd like to say a few words about Cool Ranch Doritos"
"I share this award with my drug-mule, Hector"
"I'd like to thank my sham wife for not revealing I'm gay"
"I'll be in the men's room, 'polishing my statuette'"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Forty million people watched the Academy Awards Last night. To give you an idea how many that is, take the number of people who saw "The Artist" and add 40 million.
The Daytona 500 was supposed to be yesterday but it was rained out. Over the weekend Mitt Romney went to Daytona. I think he was collecting motor oil for his hair.
We have something very similar to the Daytona 500 here in L.A. Millions watch it. It's called the high-speed police chase. Same winner every time though.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Last night Oprah was here. After the show Oprah opened a bottle of Tequila and gave everyone a shot. The only shots I ever imagined I'd get from Oprah were coming out of a gun.
The Academy Awards take place right across the street from us. Yesterday we were surrounded by glitz and glamour, and today we got the sound of forklifts backing up.
People today are talking about Angelina Jolie's dress, which showed off none of one leg and all of the other leg. She's very thin. Uggie the dog from the "The Artist" was behind her on the red carpet. He didn't know whether to hump her leg or bury it.
They had to put an Oscar in each of Angelina's hands to keep her from flying away.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Last night was the 84th Annual Academy Awards, and listen to this — the ratings were up four percent from last year. Or as Angelina Jolie’s leg put it, "You’re welcome.”
Happy Birthday to Justin Bieber, who turns 18 years old this week. You can tell he’s growing up because today he took down all his Justin Bieber posters.
Bill Nye the Science Guy is suing his ex-girlfriend for more than $50,000 in legal bills. Legal experts were shocked — they were like, "Bill Nye the Science Guy had a girlfriend?”
There was apparently an electrical fire today at Fenway Park, home of the Boston Red Sox. It was weird — instead of calling 911, Boston fans just heckled the fire until it left.