Thursday Feb 09 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Mitt Romney said today that he learned something. There are things that money can't buy — like Colorado, Minnesota, Missouri.
Romney's campaign is in such bad shape, today he moved the part in his hair even further to the right.
But he is not quitting. Romney says he will keep fighting. And you can take that all the way to the Swiss bank.
Donald Trump announced this week he is building a new hotel four blocks from the White House. Today, President Obama demanded to see his long-form builder's permit.
Some people are now saying that Madonna's halftime show was full of satanic symbolism. And Madonna's response to the accusation was, "What can I say, I owe that guy everything."
Newt Gingrich is trying to save his campaign by focusing only on areas where he has the most support. So he's mostly focusing on Georgia, Tennessee, and Cheesecake Factory.
Mitt Romney is trying hard to connect with voters. He seems like he's too affluent. Romney was talking about his father's humble beginnings as a carpenter. He said, "I'll never forget the day my dad started building our fourth beach house."
Late Show with David Letterman
It's 34 and gloomy here in New York City today — 34 and gloomy, like Tom Brady.
Anybody ever been to the Jack in the Box? They have introduced something, the bacon milkshake. When I first heard that I said, "Hey, come on, what, no cheese?"
The bacon milkshake. Apparently, Jack in the Box — the box is a coffin.
Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are teaming up for an action-adventure movie thriller. They think it will be the movie of the year. Yeah, the year is 1983.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Interesting Facts About The Grammy Awards (as presented by the Foo Fighters)
"The 'Z' in Jay-Z stands for 'Zuckerman'"
"Even we don't know the difference between 'Record of the Year' and 'Album of the Year'"
"I fink you fweaky and I like you a lot"
"After the ceremony, everyone meets at Applebee's to celebrate over Potato Twisters and Dessert Shooters"
"LL Cool J is hosting this year's Grammys after Eddie Murphy dropped out"
"The soda machine backstage has root beer"
"Lil Wayne will be performing with his older brother, Medium-Sized Wayne"
"First Grammy was awarded to some fat guy blowing on a jug"
"Every year since 1995, we've won the Grammy for Fighting Foo"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's a sad day for fans of the show "House" — it was canceled after eight seasons. Do we have a picture of lovable doctor House? There he is, in Paula Abdul's medicine cabinet.
He is not one of the regular TV doctors. He's mean, doesn't respect authority, and takes drugs. Personally, I'm comfortable with a doctor addicted to drugs. It means he's given them a test drive.
He'll know which cartoons match up best with each drug.
The show "House" proves that some doctors aren't always kind. Just like Dr. Phil proves that some doctors aren't even doctors.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Gary Busey filed for bankruptcy this week. He only has $50,000 in personal assets and $500,000 in personal debt. What is he spending so much money on? Not haircuts, that's for sure.
Busey may be forced to sell advertising space on his teeth.
I saw this picture online today. This is Arnold Schwarzenegger's personal photo. It's him and Sylvester Stallone in the hospital together. Hopefully he's in there getting a vasectomy.
The truth is, Arnold Schwarzenegger asked Sylvester Stallone to be there in case Maria showed up with a scalpel.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Apple is facing a $38 million fine in China because the word "iPad" is trademarked by a Chinese company. Apple was nervous about owing money to China — but then Obama was like, "Ah, you get used to it.”
It was just announced that the show "House" will end after its current season. That’s when you know things are bad — when even the show "House" is being foreclosed on.
This Saturday is the drawing for one of the biggest Powerball jackpots in history, which means one lucky winner could be worth $300 million. Or as Mitt Romney calls that, "middle class.”
A Waffle House in Georgia is offering a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner with alcohol-free champagne. That makes sense — I mean, if you take your girlfriend to a Waffle House on Valentine's Day, you're probably drunk already.