Tuesday Sep 08 2009
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
President Obama delivered a speech to America’s school children on the first day of school, and he encouraged them to work hard and study hard. Then he said, “if that doesn’t work, grab a seat next to the Asian kid.”
Then he told them, "Be careful what you post on Facebook." Obama then told them about bad things that could happen, like the time he accidentally “friended” Joe Biden.
Obama said if he could have dinner with anyone in history he would pick Gandhi. He says he picked Gandhi so he’d get to eat two entrees.
Yesterday at a press conference, George Clooney was answering questions when one reporter took off his clothes and professed his love to Clooney. Witnesses say they’ve never been more embarrassed for Wolf Blitzer.
Late Show with David Letterman
There’s a new study of the most stressful cities in America. No. 1 was Los Angeles. Honestly? What? “Oh my God . . . the Perrier is flat!”
No. 3 on the list: New York City. I now I am stressed. I always worry that when I pick a guy out of a lineup I think he can see through the two-way mirror.
There are rumors that former Vice President Dick Cheney will run for president in 2012. 2012? No, I’m sorry . . . that’s his cholesterol.
President Obama spoke to all the school kids yesterday. Afterwards, he invited them all to the White House for a beer.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Surprises In President Barack Obama's Message To Students
Advised struggling students to, "Give up and play video games all day"
Midway through the address he lit up a smoke
Spent most of speech yakking about new season of "Gossip Girl"
Urged kids to put their allowance on Packers this weekend
Boosted approval rating by promising every kid a kitty
Kept shouting, "Swine flu! Run!"
Told kids to listen to their parents, "Except for the eight of you stuck with Jon and Kate"
Concluded remarks by saying, "Have fun being unemployed when you graduate!"
Tip for success? Cheat off Asian kids
Told students to "work hard and study, or you'll end up like President Bush"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
When kids went back to school yesterday, they got a surprise: President Obama gave a speech just for them. As predicted, a lot of people are throwing a hissy fit over his speech. One Republican said Obama was using the speech to push his socialist agenda. Yeah . . . and I suppose telling kids not to do drugs is pushing his healthcare reform.
Some Republicans were so mad they had Dick Cheney give a rebuttal — he showed kids the proper way to stuff a geek’s head into a locker.
Whether you voted for Obama or not, his life is a shining example of the power of education — he was born in Kenya; he studied seven days a week learning how to forge Hawaiian birth certificates . . .
Obama has other speeches planned this week. The next is for Congress. Congress and school children are very different of course . . . one is an unruly bunch of maniacs who pick their noses and read at grade-school level . . . the other is school children.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
President Obama addressed school children on C-SPAN to emphasize hard work and the importance of education. For some reason, that caused a lot of controversy. Some accused the president of trying to brainwash our kids into getting an education. Some people said that his advice, to work hard, stay focused and make sacrifices was an insult to former President Bush.
Some parents actually kept their kids home from school so they wouldn’t see it. If I was a kid, being told I wasn’t allowed to see the speech would be the only reason to watch it in the first place.
Why would they be worried about something kids normally wouldn’t be paying attention to anyway?
Sadly, because of the current budget crisis, President Obama announced that kids’ allowances would be slashed by 50 percent this year.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
During his speech to America’s schoolchildren, President Obama said that “what you make of your education will decide nothing less than the future of this country . . . But no pressure.”
The president also told the kids that if they study hard, the United States will continue to prosper. Then he added, “But just to be safe, bone up on your Chinese.”
In the speech Obama asked kids to “stay home from school” when they don’t feel well. At that point the children gave Obama a 10-minute ovation.
Congratulations to Judge Sonia Sotomayor. Today was her first day on the Supreme Court. It was so sweet, her parents waited with her at the bus stop saying, “Make friends!”