Kim Kardashian announced today she will never date another NFL player again. That's why the Patriots were crying on Sunday.

An appeals court ruled that California cannot ban same-sex marriage. Let me tell you something. If you want to respect the sanctity of marriage, ban Kardashian weddings.

Three people who were picking mushrooms in the Oregon forest were found after being missing for six days. They survived by eating their mushrooms. You know, I'm guessing that's how they got lost in the first place.

Jon Huntsman created jobs and was ambassador to China. Honest, kind, ethical. Good husband, good father. He never stood a chance in the primaries.

Fast food chain Jack in the Box has introduced a bacon milk shake. Yeah. This is all part of Jack in the Box's new “Die Happy Meal.”

The Obama administration has been slammed for a health insurance rule that forces Catholic organizations to provide contraception. Even more controversial, the church would also have to provide dim lighting, wine coolers, and an R. Kelly mix tape.

In an interview, Joan Rivers said she's had 739 surgical procedures. In fact, she started out as a man from Kenya.

I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy on a package of underwear.

Romney is so confident that he's getting cocky. He's already putting the dog on the roof of his car.

To undo the negative publicity Mitt Romney received from tying his dog to the top of a car on a cross-country vacation, Mitt responded by tying the car to the top of his dog.

Newt Gingrich says that people who ride on subways here in New York are the elite. I was on the subway today and one of the elites sitting next to me was smoking crack.

Dopey

Gasbag

One-Termer

Hasselhoff

Italian Cruise Ship Captain

German Grandmother

Dubya

Load

Not My Problem

Osama

In Manhattan, the New York Giants had their own ticker tape parade. They don't use much ticker tape on Wall Street anymore. Stock brokers just toss government bailout money from the windows.

It's the birthday of Charles Dickens. If he were still alive, he'd be 200 years old today.

In Westminster Abbey, where Dickens is buried, the actor Ralph Fiennes read one of his novels to the crowd. Because who better to honor Charles Dickens than Voldemort?

Charles Dickens described Tiny Tim as "lame” because back then, being lame meant people pitied you. Today if you're lame, you get a talk show in the middle of the night.

When it rains here in Los Angeles, everyone freaks out. The roads are a mess, traffic is terrible. People start driving like Lindsay Lohan on a horse tranquilizer.

An estimated 1 million people showed up to celebrate and be part of the New York Giants victory parade. Didn't Clint Eastwood say we're supposed to get back to work?

Newt Gingrich didn't bother to campaign in Colorado, Missouri, and Minnesota. But he's vowed to stay in the race until the Republican convention. However, Newt doesn’t have a great track record as far as sticking to his vows go.

This is our first show back in New York after a week in Indianapolis. I think the “Hoosier Hospitality” really rubbed off on me. Today, I held the subway door open for like six rats that were trying to get in.

Because of large crowds at his campaign events, Mitt Romney will now receive protection from the Secret Service. Not to be outdone, Ron Paul will now receive protection from a mall cop on a Segway.

A recent study found that people lie more when they are texting. Yeah, especially that one lie: “Sorry, just got your text!”

Kodak recently filed for bankruptcy after 130 years in business. Yeah, I’d tell you more, but more on the story as it develops.