Monday Jan 30 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Newt Gingrich has been attacking Mitt Romney for being wealthy and having money in bank accounts in the Cayman Islands. See, that's when you know you're part of the top 1 percent, when your bank's address has the word “island” in it.
But, Romney says he is not a creature of Washington. He has lived in the real streets of America. I believe it's Easy Street, if I'm not mistaken.
Ron Paul was not in Florida, he was campaigning up in Maine. They think he was afraid that if he went to Florida, they'd grab him and put him in an old folks home.
North Korea has made it illegal to use cell phones. The good news is, it's now the greatest place in the world to see a movie.
Snoop Dogg endorsed Ron Paul for president. Snoop said he likes Paul's positions on everything from legalizing pot to legalizing pot.
A 17-year-old girl is being treated for malnutrition after eating nothing but Chicken McNuggets for the past 15 years. Doctors are describing her condition as “American.”
In Iowa this weekend, a woman gave birth to a 13-pound baby. It’s the heaviest baby born in Iowa since the last baby born in Iowa.
The baby was born fully clothed, and actually came out drinking corn syrup.
Late Show with David Letterman
There is now a $250 fine if you get caught eating in the subway. And they said if this works, then they're going to start cracking down on murder.
This weekend, there was a six-hour tennis match. I mean, it was longer than a Kardashian wedding-
The only reason that American schoolchildren learn about Roman numerals now is the Super Bowl.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
I always love performing on the road. But it's a little insulting seeing people try to change the channel in the front row.
My hotel wasn’t haunted, but I did hear a spooky moaning in the middle of the night. But that was just the hobo sleeping next to me.
Now I’m back, unless this is a rerun in the future. In which case, congratulations to President Gingrich.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Wednesday is National Baked Alaska Day. Friday is National Carrot Cake Day. I'm not sure how these days started but I'm getting very fat celebrating them.
Newt Gingrich picked up an endorsement from Herman Cain. It's not unlike getting Carrot Top's endorsement for an Academy Award.
Sarah Palin has also been supportive of Gingrich but she hasn't made an official endorsement yet. Her husband endorsed Gingrich but he's a snowmobiler, so nobody cares.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
I read that Americans will eat about 450 million chicken wings on Super Bowl Sunday. Or as Thanksgiving turkeys put it, “Who’s laughing now, chickens?”
The Olive Garden is trying to attract more customers by remodeling its restaurants. Step one: taking down the sign that says “The Olive Garden.”
Nintendo announced that it lost more than $800 million in the last year. In fact, today Luigi traded in his Mario Kart for a ’93 Taurus.