Wednesday Jan 18 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
There's a new app that lets you post a message on Facebook after you die. Now you can finish off that message you were typing right before you got into the head-on collision.
Mitt Romney is coming under fire because even though he is a multimillionaire, he only paid 15 percent in taxes. That's not a tax, that's barely a tip.
According to a Washington Post poll, 84 percent of Americans do not approve of the way Congress is doing its job. Sixteen percent weren't even aware Congress is doing a job.
An intelligence officer with the Canadian armed forces has been arrested for passing Canadian military secrets to a terrorist group. I don't know what's more shocking, the fact that he did that or that Canada has military secrets.
To protest an Internet censorship law, Wikipedia has shut down for 24 hours. So if anyone is trying to look up by bio on Wikipedia, I'm 31, an Olympic medalist, and married to Scarlett Johansson.
To help working mothers in Indonesia, a company is providing breast milk couriers. What happens is the courier takes the milk from the factory where the mother works and takes it to the factory where the baby works.
"Star Wars" director George Lucas announced that he is retiring. Lucas says he wants to relax, travel a little, and spend some time digitally reworking his grandchildren.
Late Show with David Letterman
They found an opossum on the subway, and not only that, but in the opossum's pouch, they found a loaded weapon.
Here's what we know about the opossum. What they do is pretend to play dead so predators will leave them alone. Well, isn't that everybody on the subway?
From nose to tail, it was two feet long. And it was so big, at first the transit authority thought it was a small New York City rat.
Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Mitt Romney Is Getting Cocky
Answers all questions with, "So's your mother"
Offered Santorum a 10,000-vote head start in South Carolina primary
He's forwarding his mail to the White House — Wow, that's cocky
Skipping next three primaries to go on tour with Young Jeezy
Started selling his own commemorative presidential plates on QVC
Donated $50,000 to Rick Perry's campaign
Now spelling "Mittt" with three T's
Ended debate by taking out wad of bills and "making it rain"
Wants to rename states Mittchigan, Mittsouri, Mittsissippi, and New Mittsico
Offered to help Newt with his concession speech
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Yahoo’s original founder resigned. If you want to know more about this situation, Google it.
The first couple of episodes of "American Idol" are usually the highest rated of the season. Because there is something magical about watching people with dreams beyond their talent going on national TV and having those dreams crushed.
I doubt "American Idol" will ever be successful in manufacturing pop stars. Americans like getting their pop stars the old-fashioned way: from the Disney Channel.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Wikipedia and a number of websites blocked themselves out to protest a piece of legislation that's making its way through Congress right now. I'll look it up in Wikipedia if it ever comes back.
Burger King has announced they're trying out a new home delivery service at select restaurants. I've been trying to get a reservation at Burger King for weeks.
Phase two is what they're calling the “Whopper Cannon.” It pairs with the GPS on your phone, to find the exact location of your mouth and fires Whopper after Whopper into your mouth.
After all these years and with all the copycat shows, "American Idol" is still the only show on TV that has the power to catapult a young singer from obscurity to fame and then back to obscurity again, almost immediately.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama took Michelle out to a steak restaurant for her birthday, marking the first time in months the words “Obama” and “well done” appeared in the same sentence.
Last week, a British Airways crew mistakenly told passengers that their plane was about to crash into the ocean. They made an even scarier announcement later: “Your in-flight movie will be ‘Yogi Bear.’”
Yeah, the crew told passengers their plane was about to crash, but it turns out a flight attendant hit the wrong button. I don’t know what’s worse — getting lied to about crashing into the ocean, or knowing it happens so often there’s a button for it.