Monday Jan 16 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day, a day everyone in my studio audience decided to celebrate by seeing the whitest man on television.
According to a study, the third Monday in January is the most depressing day of the year. Yeah, especially if you're a Broncos fan who supports Jon Huntsman.
One of the products unveiled at the Consumers Electronics Show is a remote for your television that you control with your mind. When you think “on,” it turns on the TV. When you stop thinking completely, it turns on "Jersey Shore.”
Actress Sarah Michelle Gellar said she let her 2-year-old daughter pick the outfit she wore at the Golden Globes. Which is why she wore applesauce and an Angry Birds backpack.
Late Show with David Letterman
Newt Gingrich says that on Thursday he will be releasing his tax returns. You can feel the excitement, right?
It's been a tough week for Jon Huntsman. In addition to dropping out of the race, earlier this week he found out he was not really a Kardashian.
You know what's interesting about the Golden Globes? They say that it's a good predictor of the Super Bowl.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things People Said When They Heard Jon Huntsman Was Dropping Out Of The Presidential Race
"Is he the rich boring white guy, or the other rich boring white guy?"
"Seriously, who's Jon Huntsman?"
"You mean my tax attorney? Oh wait, that's Stan Huntsman"
"Does this mean we can bring Herman Cain back? That guy was hilarious"
"So that leaves only four viable candidates, plus Rick Perry"
"It's like Jon Huntsman said . . . Well, actually, I have no idea what he said"
"Hey honey, some guy I’ve never heard of is dropping out of the race"
"He should have Tebowed more"
"Now who's gonna lose to Obama in the general election?"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street.
Some of the guys who escaped from Alcatraz made dummies of their heads and put them in their beds to fool the guards. I did the same thing here last time I interviewed Regis Philbin. He never figured it out.
The most famous Alcatraz inmates are probably Al Capone and Machine Gun Kelly. But I think Machine Gun Kelly was destined for a life of crime.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Some big election news. Jon Huntsman has officially dropped out of the 2012 presidential race. Wow, not having Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail is gonna be like . . . Well, it’s gonna be like having Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail.
During a campaign event on Saturday, Mitt Romney reached into his pocket and gave cash to a woman who said she was broke. Which got awkward, when she was like, “I'm also lonely!”
I saw that a bakery in Georgia is selling “Tebowing” pretzels, inspired by Tim Tebow’s popular pose. You can tell they’re Tebow pretzels, because if you eat one in New England, you end up choking.