Thursday Jan 12 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
In his time off, Tim Tebow goes to prisons and visits with death row inmates to talk to them about God. He has visited so many death row inmates, he now has met more Oakland Raiders fans than he has Bronco fans.
According to USA Today, the Internal Revenue Service's budget is too small for them to reform all the things they need to do. Good! That's fantastic!
Researchers found a frog in new guinea that is so tiny, they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress.
There are now more obese people in the United States than there are overweight people. I think it's safe to say that after all these years, Diet Coke is a complete failure.
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt visited the White House. There was an odd moment when they tried to adopt President Obama.
Mitt Romney told a crowd that he is half Mexican. Which means that half of him will not be voting for Mitt Romney.
Home Depot just announced plans to hire 70,000 new employees. They're looking for people to work hard and never be found by a customer.
Late Show with David Letterman
There are rumors now that Khloe Kardashian is not a real Kardashian. I remember how devastated I was when I found out I was not a real Kardashian.
The one Kardashian got married and lasted for 72 days. You know, I have cottage cheese older than that.
Mayor Bloomberg wants to outlaw alcohol in New York City. How about outlawing rats in the subway?
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
In North Korea, they announced they’re going to embalm Kim Jong Il’s body and put it on display just like Russia did with Lenin and America did with Larry King.
The article says yoga-related injuries are on the rise. People sit in chairs all day at work, then they twist into pretzels and expect it to be easy.
It’s like being a brainless action star all your life, then going out and trying to govern the state of California.
It’s not surprising that yoga fans are upset with this article. After all, it’s easy for them to get bent out of shape.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
A report from the Department of Homeland Security says they regularly monitor social networking sites, like Facebook, Twitter and MySpace. So that's who is looking at MySpace, I guess.
McDonald’s has announced that for the next month in the United Kingdom, Happy Meals will come with a book instead of a toy. And they will be renamed “Disappointment Meals.”
McDonald’s is apparently teaming up Harper Collins to give out an estimated 9 million books. That would never work in America. Our kids would just dip the books in ranch dressing and eat them.
A new study released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, say that people over age 65 binge drink more than any other age group. They also die more than any other age group.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama met with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in the Oval Office yesterday. And after they left, Obama checked the White House to make sure Sasha and Malia were still there.
When they discussed adoption, Obama was like, “Can I interest you in a Biden?”
A new tell-all book about Mitt Romney is coming out next week called “The Real Romney.” You can tell the book is based on Romney. After 300 pages, the last line is, “Actually I just changed my mind about all of that.”
The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria. Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, “Things you were probably doing already.”