Monday Jan 09 2012
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
A group calling itself the Courage Campaign is trying to win support for a millionaire tax by running an ad showing Kim Kardashian. They want the Kardashians to pay more. This is part of the plan to raise taxes on the dumbest 1 percent.
The body that was found on Queen Elizabeth's estate in England has been identified, finally. See, it takes a lot longer to identify bodies in England, because as you know, there are no dental records.
An intruder broke into Mike Tyson's hotel room in Las Vegas while he was sleeping but got out before Tyson could get to him. I don't know what's scarier. Having someone breaking into your room while you're sleeping or breaking into someone else's room and finding out the guy is Mike Tyson.
Cosmetic surgeons say that three years of recession have devastated the cosmetic surgery industry. A lot of people in Beverly Hills are now starting to get the feeling back in their faces.
They paid over $1 million to seal off the hospital ward where Beyonce gave birth. It seems extreme, but it was the only way to keep out Uncle Kanye.
During the GOP debate on Saturday night, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Not to be outdone during the debate, Newt Gingrich ate Chinese.
The defense department is trying to find out who leaked information to filmmakers making a movie about the killing of Osama bin Laden. Even worse, the name of the movie is “Harold and Kumar Kill Osama."
The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth.
Late Show with David Letterman
Jon Huntsman is surging in New Hampshire. And it lasts longer than four hours, he’d better call a doctor.
Mitt Romney said that he enjoyed firing people. Way to connect with the middle class there, Mitt.
Turns out Mitt Romney is Mexican, did you know that? His entire family is from Mexico. Not only that, he was the Lone Ranger.
Ron Paul says that he has a big youth following. You can tell by looking at the guy he's a regular Justin Bieber.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ways Kim Jong Un Celebrated His Birthday
Enjoyed ice cream made by Kim Jong Ben and Kim Jong Jerry
Laid in bed, depressed, like a typical Capricorn
Hit Vegas with his "crew:" Putin, Chavez, Ahmadinejad and Zach Galifianakis
Had Marilyn Monroe lookalike sing, "Happy Birthday, Mr. Supreme Commander of the People's Army, brilliant comrade, and great person born of heaven"
After seeing how good Charles Barkley looks, joined Weight Watchers
Nice quiet dinner with a few close human shields
Caught surprise Patton Oswalt stand-up set at the Pyongyang Comedy Store
Watched funny videos of North Koreans crying on YouTube
Treated himself to a deep-tissue jowl massage
Executed his pastry chef for using those trick birthday candles
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The police suspected Snoop Dogg’s tour bus had marijuana in it. They say their biggest clue was that it was Snoop Dogg’s tour bus.
If you don’t know "Downtown Abbey," it's a British soap opera that's getting very popular. It's like an American soap opera, but without all those straight teeth.
I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Jay-Z and Beyonce had a baby named Blue Ivy. She is 7 pounds, reportedly happy, healthy, and already nominated for six Grammys and a People's Choice Award, so congratulations.
Kate Gosselin is giving her fans a unique opportunity to join her on a cruise to the Caribbean. Being trapped at sea with Kate Gosselin and her kids doesn't sound like a vacation to me. It sounds like a punishment from a Greek myth.
Tickets range from $1,900 to more than $3,000 per person. Or you can just go to Wal-Mart and listen to mothers yell at their children for free.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
During yesterday’s debate, Mitt Romney said he wasn’t a career politician, and Newt Gingrich told him to drop the “pious baloney.” Of course, when Romney dropped it, Newt was like, “Hey, you gonna eat that pious baloney?”
The national debt has reached $15 trillion — the size of the entire U.S. economy. Yeah, I don’t wanna say President Obama is out of solutions for the debt, but today he tried handing it off to Tim Tebow.
Speaking of Tim Tebow, his game-winning pass was apparently more popular on Twitter than the death of Osama bin Laden. Yeah, even bin Laden was like, “It was a pretty sick pass.”
President Obama met with the Dallas Mavericks to congratulate them on their 2011 NBA Championship. While Joe Biden met with the Globetrotters to congratulate them on that episode of “Scooby-Doo” they did.