Thursday Dec 15 2011
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The National Transportation Safety Board called for an all-out ban on cell phone use while driving. Headsets, Bluetooth, everything would be banned. I read it on my iPhone as I was coming into work this morning.
According to a new CBS poll, 33 percent of Americans say they won't have enough money to cover their holiday spending. I believe these people are called Congress.
If there is a shutdown, 800,000 nonessential federal employees will be suspended. You know, maybe that's our budget problem right there. We have 800,000 nonessential federal employees.
A new poll shows that, for the very first time, voters that view President Obama unfavorably outnumber those who view him favorably. In fact, if he gets any more unpopular, legally, he might have to run as a Republican.
Gary Busey withdrew his endorsement of Newt Gingrich. Busey has gone back to his prior position of endorsing a jar of raisins. I know that jar.
On the campaign trail, Ron Paul said he does not like his milk homogenized. After this, Rick Perry said, “I am also not a fan of gay milk.”
Customers are complaining that Amazon’s new Kindle Fire is too hard to use if you have fat fingers. In response, Amazon released another version called the Kindle Deep Dish.
In Florida, a woman got a new kidney after posting an ad on Craigslist. And the weird thing is she was only looking for a used futon. She is now sleeping on a kidney.
Late Show with David Letterman
Mitt Romney has called Newt Gingrich “zany.” If they are taking a good look at newt, honestly, one word comes to mind and it's “zany?”
Now I wouldn't be surprised if Romney hit Newt in the head with a rubber chicken.
Here's why American voters are turning to Ron Paul. A team of doctors has determined that Ron Paul is physically incapable of having a sex scandal.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Ryan Gosling was named "coolest person of the year" by Time magazine. Because when the kids want to know what's cool, they put down their Internets and their smartphones and pick up Time magazine.
It's cold in Maine in December. How cold is it? They're dipping lobsters in hot cocoa.
In ancient mythology, spiders were depicted as symbols of patience because they spend all that time weaving their web. Then they wait until unsuspecting prey stumbles into it and it's all over within matter of minutes. Nowadays we call that a Kardashian marriage.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Barbara Walters named her 10 most fascinating people of the year last night here on ABC. The list included the Kardashian family, Donald Trump, Simon Cowell and Katy Perry. Is that a list of the most fascinating people or a list of the reasons the terrorists hate us?
In Sioux City, Iowa, there was another debate between the seven Republicans running for president. All your favorites were there: Grumpy, Dopey, the other Dopey, Romney, Bashful, another Dopey, and Happy.
This was the 427th of 2,000 debates to be held between now and when President Obama is re-elected.
There are so many debates. For a group of people who don't want the government interfering in our lives a lot, they interfere in our lives a lot.