Monday Nov 21 2011
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
I'm not sure Rick Perry understands Thanksgiving. When they asked him if he was going to deep-fry a turkey, he said, "Well, if he's found guilty."
The latest fashion trend in Hong Kong is eyeglasses without any lenses in them. People just wear the frames. The feeling is that they make you intelligent, even though they're totally useless. Kind of like the congressional supercommittee.
It looks like the supercommittee chosen by President Obama to come up with a plan to solve the deficit has failed. The best idea they came up with? A bake sale.
Don't worry, President Obama has announced a new plan. Next week, he's appointing a super duper committee.
Late Show with David Letterman
It used to that when you were going to fly someplace you would get dressed up, put on a tie and a jacket and have a couple of martinis. And that was just the pilot.
Newt Gingrich says he wants to get rid of Social Security. Who is more qualified to give this country financial advice than a guy who ran up a half-million dollar bill at Tiffany.
President Obama will pardon the turkeys. Unless of course the Republicans step in and block that.
If you think about it in certain terms, Obama has had a good year. First bin laden, then Moammar Gadhafi. Next, Robert Wagner.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Other Articles In the al-Qaida Magazine
"How To Winterize Your Beard"
"Turn Your Boring Kaftan From Drab To Fab"
"Secrets To A Happier Arranged Marriage"
"101 Steamy Waterboarding Positions"
"What's the Right Shoe Bomb For You?"
"2011 Motor Trend Camel of the Year"
"An Interview With the King of Cool, Habib Clooney"
"Budget-Friendly Ideas For Decorating Your Spider-hole"
"Letterman Fatwa: What Took So Long?"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
"Twilight" is not for me. I understand that. I'm too old. That explains the weird looks I get when I shop at Hot Topic.
"Twilight" is for young people, but that's why I don't like it. It sends a bad message. It teaches young people that vampires have feelings and werewolves are sexy.
I hate the fact that the "Twilight" vampires don't turn into bats. That's so unrealistic. Everyone knows in real life, vampires turn into bats.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
In olden times, Thanksgiving was the one day of year that people in the country overate. Now we do it all 365 days.
I like putting marshmallows on the sweet potato. I don't see why we don't put them on all our vegetables all the time.
The big movie was the latest installment of " Twilight" It made more than $140 million over the weekend. I have to say it's refreshing to finally see a story about wolves and teen pregnancy that doesn't involve the Palins.
I saw the movie and I’ll tell you something. For someone who can't see himself in the mirror, Edward’s hair looks amazing.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama came home after a 9-day trip to Asia. Well, he got to see some stuff he never sees at home, like jobs.
Last week in New Hampshire, Herman Cain said that presidents don't need to know every detail of every country in the world and he said he's going to take that message across America to all 30 states.
Cain said that we should focus on our neighbor to the south, Mexico, and our neighbor to the north, Cold Mexico.
Last week, a Delta pilot caused a security alert after he got stuck in an airplane bathroom. But don't worry. The guy who couldn't figure out a door handle eventually got out and went back to flying a giant airplane.