Conrad Murray was found guilty of giving Michael Jackson an overdose of a prescription sleeping aid. Pretty reckless on the part of the doctor. They said the sedative he prescribed was five times more powerful than a Joe Biden speech.

Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to 30 days in jail. She was out in four and a half hours. And you thought celebrity marriages were over fast.

I don't think Herman Cain is well-versed on foreign affairs. A reporter asked him how he would handle Greece, and he said he would put an extra layer of wax paper under the pizza.

The people beat Bank of America, who withdrew their $5 debit fee. Instead, the bank is going to replace that with a $60 annual fee.

A man from Kenya won the New York City Marathon. This was a huge upset, because everyone thought a different man from Kenya would win the marathon.

I was just was in New York for a week. New York is great and everyone brags about how great it is, but New York is no Burbank. This place has four Applebee’s.

The Toronto Zoo is planning to split up a pair of gay penguins. You know how they're going to split them up? By giving the penguins just one ticket to see “Mamma Mia.”

You're here on a special night because everybody in the balcony tonight is a Herman Cain accuser.

Michael Jackson’s personal physician found guilty, but his plastic surgeon walks away free, how does that happen?

They don't think Conrad Murray will do any jail time, but he will go to work in the prison system, however. They think he'll be in charge of lethal injections.

I don't know about you but for the five hours Lindsay Lohan was off the street and in prison, I felt much safer.

Plans to raise funds by suing himself for sexual harassment

Now smokes more than his campaign manager

Was recently found hiding in a drainpipe with a golden gun

Keeps asking voters if they want to touch his moustache

Claims Justin Bieber is his father

Campaigning as his hilarious alter ego, Pee-Wee Herman Cain

Just paid a visit to Dr. Conrad Murray

Spent last of campaign funds betting on the Colts

Gave rambling, drunken speech — oh I'm sorry, that was Rick Perry

He's engaged to Kim Kardashian

Daylight-saving time ended over the weekend, so we got an extra hour of sleep. Lindsay Lohan spent an extra hour in jail.

Lohan was released after nearly five hours. I guess that's all the guards could stand.

Four women have accused Herman Cain of being inappropriate. That’s got to remind him of the deal he offered back when he ran pizza joints: Harass four, you get the fifth free.

The latest castoff from "Dancing With the Stars," Herman Cain is here with us tonight. No, wait, I’m sorry. That's a joke from next year.

A fourth woman came forward with accusations of sexual harassment dating back to the late '90s. Her name is Sharon Bialek and her lawyer is Gloria Allred. I think Gloria Allred has a press podium in her living room for instances just like this.

We'll see what Herman has to say about this in 30 minutes or less or we'll give you your money back.

There’s talk that Kim Kardashian is having second thoughts about her divorce from Kris Humphries. Yeah, even Brett Favre was like, “Make a decision and stick with it!”

Three new elements were added to the periodic table on Friday. Finally, something to take Kim Kardashian’s mind off this whole divorce thing!

A new report shows that police in New York make 50,000 arrests every year for marijuana possession. Which explains that new show, “Law & Order: Special Funyuns Unit.”

This year, the Aflac duck balloon will debut at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. And if you think that’s weird, wait till you see the balloon for that old guy from the Cialis commercials.