Thursday Nov 03 2011
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Radar Online is reporting that the whole time that Kim Kardashian was married to NBA player Kris Humphries, she was actually still in love with the Dolphin's Reggie Bush. Actually, it would be smart for Reggie Bush to go back to marry Kim, because let's face it, as a Miami Dolphin, that's the only way he's going to get a ring this year.
Four anti-government senior citizens in Georgia have been charged in a terror plot. All of the men are in their '60s and '70s and they planned to build a bomb and blow up a government building. Can you imagine? Remember the underwear bomber? These guys are the Depends bombers.
The first bowling alley ever has just opened in Afghanistan. It's like any other bowling alley, except the penalty for not returning the shoes? Beheading.
According to "USA Today," more people in china are studying the teachings of Buddha, you know, as opposed to the U.S. where more people just look like Buddha.
True story, I'll be leaving New York tomorrow and I found out they'll be replacing all my ads in New York with ads for erectile dysfunction. It's true. And sadly, they're still keeping my face on them.
Justin Bieber's scandal broke. This is the latest. The woman who claims Bieber fathered her love child says they had sex in a bathroom. Meanwhile, Justin is saying he didn't know they had sex. He just thought the babysitter gave him a really good bath.
Late Show with David Letterman
It's day four of the Kim Kardashian divorce. She was married to a guy named Kris Humphries, basketball player, 72 days. 72 Days. I'm telling you, yogurt has a longer shelf life. 72 Damn days. Whatever happened to staying together for the sake of the reality show? Whatever happened to that?
Lindsay Lohan is going back to prison and I don't even know where this began but she's been in and out of rehab, in and out of rehab, in and out of rehab, then in and out of prison, in and out of prison. Back to rehab, in and out of rehab, in and out of rehab. Back to prison. In and out of prison, in and out of prison, back to rehab. I'm thinking to myself. You know what she needs, she needs to find the right guy and settle down for 72 days.
Oh, good news for all of us, President Obama had his annual White House physical and the doctors say that President Obama is in such great shape that he can actually start smoking again.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's a great day for president Obama. "Forbes" magazine put out a list of the most powerful people in the world. And our president is number one. I guess nobody told congress.
Former president Bill Clinton was elected on this very day in 1992. Clinton went on to leave quite a mark in the oval office… You mean the one on the sofa?
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
An international group of researchers found exercise can help prevent weight gain. Good work, scientists. Now, back to AIDs.
There was some trouble last night in Oakland after the Occupy Oakland protests. They had trouble breaking the crowd up because every time they fired bean bags at them, they started playing hackey sack with them.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama just went to the G20 summit to give Europe advice on its debt crisis. Wait, Europe’s getting economic advice from Obama? That’s like J.Lo getting marriage advice from Kim Kardashian.
President Obama bumped Chinese President Hu Jintao from the #1 spot on Forbes’ list of the world’s most powerful people. It was awkward—Obama wanted to buy a copy of the magazine, but he had to borrow five bucks from Hu Jintao.
Hey, this Sunday is the 42nd annual New York City Marathon! You know, a chance to bring together all the best runners in the U.S . . . and watch them lose to a guy from Kenya.
Some business news. I heard that the discount store Filene’s Basement is filing for bankruptcy. Which explains why the owner is now living in Filene’s parent’s basement.