Monday Oct 24 2011
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
A judge has ordered Lindsay Lohan to work at the L.A. morgue. This way she can do community service and visit her career at the same time.
It seemed that after he was killed, Gadhafi's body was stored at a commercial freezer at a shopping mall. It's one thing to hunt a guy down and shoot him twice in the head, but then to drag him to the mall? Come on, guys hate that.
The guy who killed Gadhafi was wearing a New York Yankees cap at the time. So, for at least one Yankees fan, it turned out to be a pretty good October.
I'm very excited that President Obama is coming tomorrow night and as you know he's on his nationwide “I Whacked Another Terrorist” tour.
McDonald’s just announced that they will sell the McRib sandwich only until Nov. 14. So unfortunately, it looks like I'll have to cook for Thanksgiving after all.
The New York Times reports that Moammar Gadhafi spent his last days hovering between defiance and delusion, surviving on rice and pasta. In other words, Gadhafi spent his last days as a sophomore in college. That's what I did.
A bank in Washington was robbed by two men in George W. Bush masks. Luckily, right afterwards two guys in President Obama masks came and bailed the bank out, so everything is fine.
President Obama was back in Los Angeles today, where he will appear on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno, to highlight the one job that was saved during his administration.
Late Show with David Letterman
I don't know what they are protesting at Occupy Wall Street but I'm on their side. But 10,000 protestors and one Porta Potty?
I love the protests. And if you think about it, what better way to send a message to Wall Street than by sitting in a pup tent banging on a drum.
There's so many protestors now they are going to move them out of the park and put them in a pothole. You know, that one over on 8th Avenue.
Rick Perry is now saying he thinks that Barack Obama's birth certificate is fake. I think Perry may have faked his driver's license.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Gadhafi Wants To Say From Hell
"Can anyone recommend a good hair gel?"
"Tweet me if Chaz wins 'Dancing With the Stars'"
"How is it everything's hot down here except the coffee?"
"Remember folks, when you want a long-lasting fire with that great smoky taste, buy Kingsford, the official charcoal of Hell"
"How did the Colts do last night?"
"Why is Jack LaLanne here?"
"Yes it's hot — but it's a dry heat"
"If you think it's hot down here, wait til you see the sizzling Salma Hayek on Letterman tonight"
"Homicidal reign of terror? For that you go to hell?"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
I personally didn't watch "Dancing With the Stars" tonight because if there's anything I learned from the new "Footloose" remake, it’s that dancing is a sin and should not be tolerated.
The world was supposed to end Friday. I don't think it did, though. Harold Camping also predicted the apocalypse was going to happen back in May and I don't think that one happened either. Well, you know what they say, the third apocalypse is the charm.
This is reported to be the 12th time Camping has predicted the end of the world, the first time being in 1978. Not only is he bad at predicting things but he's kind of a bummer to hang out with.
Halloween is one week away. If you're going to a party, you’d better figure out a costume or you'll be stuck wearing a salad bowl on your head and calling yourself Justin Bieber.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday on CNN, Joe Biden said he hasn’t made up his mind about whether he’ll run for president in 2016. Which raises the question: “Who was raising that question?”
The iPod’s been around for 10 years, which is also the length of time it takes to untangle your iPod headphones.
Wal-Mart is planning to reduce its healthcare plan for new employees. Which explains why today, my greeter was like, “Hello, welcome to Wal-Mart. Would you mind checking out this mole?”
I just read that a bear broke into a candy store in Tennessee and started eating all the candy. That’s right, a live bear filled with candy. Or as Sarah Palin calls that, “the best piñata ever.”