Thursday Oct 13 2011
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The Saudi government is upset about this plot to assassinate their ambassador. As you know, Saudi Arabia condemns all acts of terrorism unless, of course, they're sponsoring them.
The Republicans had yet another debate the other night. This is their seventh one. They're apparently going to keep having these debates until Rick Perry can get one right.
Herman Cain is surging in the polls. Many polls have him ahead of Mitt Romney. He hasn't said who he would choose as his running mate yet, but according to a report, he's had several meetings with Papa John.
White House Chief of Staff Bill Daley announced he'll be leaving the White House after the election. I get the feeling a lot of people are going to be leaving the White House after the election.
Herman Cain has moved ahead of Mitt Romney. Can you believe that? Political analysts say this is because Americans don't understand Mormonism but they do understand pizza.
This morning on the "Today" show, Jenna Bush interviewed Ozzy Osbourne. Ozzy was so confused and inarticulate that Jenna accidentally called him “dad.”
Hulk Hogan says he no longer supports President Obama. Yeah. But the president's not worried because he has the support of the Iron Sheik and Triple H.
The man accused of leaking nude photos of Scarlett Johansson could face up 21 years in prison. The man pleaded “totally worth it.”
Late Show with David Letterman
St. Patrick’s Cathedral is undergoing a multimillion-dollar renovation and they're doing some wonderful things, like replacing the candles with those gag candles that you can never blow out.
They're also adding bulletproof stain-glass windows. And they laid off a hunchback.
Big Ben is leaning to one side, but they think that it might be able to somehow correct itself. And I thought well, yeah, look at Mitt Romney. He used to lean to the left, now he leans to the right.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Michele O'Bachmann Said During Her Trip To New York City
"A pigeon just nested in my hair"
"Will the Holland Tunnel take me to Holland?"
"Where does Batman live?"
"Hold on, I'm getting a text from Anthony Weiner"
"He has to be the tiniest mayor ever"
"It's such an honor to be here in The Windy City"
"If you won't endorse me, Mr. Trump, would you consider me for 'Celebrity Apprentice'?"
"They've got more hookers here than a congressional Christmas party"
"There goes Letterman . . . Get him!"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's a great day for the automobile industry. A major car company announced that it's making an all-electric car. I say "major car company" because I don’t know if they advertise on CBS.
There are some incredible innovations coming out of Detroit these days: Electric cars, hybrids, and a football team that wins.
The great thing about the electric car is that there are no gassy fumes. You can make your own Larry King joke.
Hybrids switch between gas and electric. But this new car will be 100 percent electric like the electric guitar, the electric eel, and the electric personality of Mario Lopez.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The new iPhone 4S comes out tomorrow. If you are not already standing outside in line, it's too late. The line for the iPhone 5 starts up Monday.
You watch TV and they say our economy is on life support. If we can afford $400 for a phone whose main difference appears to be that there's a letter "S" on it, how bad could things be?
How long do you think it will be before the iPhone realizes it's being commanded by idiots and destroys them?
The Occupy Wall Street protests continued in New York City. Today the protests have been going on for four weeks now. That's longer than most NBC sitcoms last.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday the CEO of Citigroup said that he can understand why all these Occupy Wall Street protesters are so frustrated. In fact, he felt so bad for them, he gave himself a $10 million sympathy bonus.
The White House is apparently pushing to create more Latino-themed landmarks. Now that's in addition to our current Latino-themed landmark, California.
The Bronx Zoo has a new Halloween exhibit that features rare bugs and rodents. They're all indigenous to the same exotic location: The dumpster outside a New York Chinese restaurant.