Thursday Oct 06 2011
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Sarah Palin announced that she will not run for president. The reason? She couldn‘t find her birth certificate.
Palin said she could help the country more by not running for president. Today, John McCain said, “Why didn’t you tell me that three years ago?”
Ben Bernanke told a congressional committee that the economic recovery is close to faltering. On the bright side, most Americans won’t be affected because we had no idea there was a recovery.
A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it’s possible that “less than no one” thinks they’re doing a good job.
Late Show with David Letterman
The Detroit Tigers are great. The entire team was put together with government bailout money.
The economy in New York City is so bad that in Central Park, I saw pigeons feeding old people.
The economy is so bad that we had to fire two writers, so this joke that I’m in the middle of right now has no punch line.
Amanda Knox is back home from Italy. Next week, she’ll be on “Dancing With the Stars.”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The Nobel Prize for literature went to an author who has enriched all of our lives. Of course, I’m talking about Snooki.
I haven’t read Snooki’s book. She could be a young, poufy-haired Hemingway. She’s already got the drinking thing down.
Some people like crack, but for me, it’s Swedish poetry.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
I have mixed feelings about “Jersey Shore.” On the one hand, I don’t like to see my fellow human beings behaving that way, but on the other hand, I’m not sure they are my fellow human beings.
The girls of “Jersey Shore” went on a wine tour of Tuscany. There was an embarrassing moment when Snooki was mistaken for a grape.
Most people think “Jersey Shore” is just orange people binge drinking and exposing themselves — and for the most part, it is.
There’s a bill in Florida to repeal the state ban on dwarf tossing. Is this what Republicans mean when they say they want smaller government?
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Last night Sarah Palin released a letter announcing that she will not run for president in 2012. That’s right, Sarah Palin wrote a letter — which explains why her spellcheck had to be given CPR.
Sarah Palin is not running for president, but she says she will help other candidates get elected. Yeah, those other candidates are named Barack Obama and Joe Biden.
There’s talk that Microsoft is going to buy Yahoo. Wow, that would be so cool. I could have both my Hotmail and Yahoo email accounts in one easily ignorable place.
And finally, the suspected Christmas Day underwear bomber is apparently representing himself in court. Yup, he’s the first lawyer that actually submits his briefs in his briefs.