They say Chris Christie decided not to get into the presidential race because he has no shot at winning. That’s not stopping President Obama though.

Amanda Knox is finally home and she says she doesn’t want to do anything that reminds her of Italy. So last night, they went to the Olive Garden.

A woman in California has been in prison for 20 years after she murdered her husband and ate him. The sad part: It was the only time she and her husband had dinner together.

Rerun

Hank Williams, Jr. was fired by ESPN because he compared President Obama to Adolf Hitler. That’s a rookie mistake.

The Nobel Prize for medicine went to the team of doctors that X-rayed Kim Kardashian’s butt.

A month ago, all we heard about was Rick Perry and now, he’s off the map. He had a worse September than the Red Sox.

Gov. Chris Christie from New Jersey is not running for president. He weighed the pros, he weighed the cons, and then he weighed himself.

Death row taco bar

Two words: Alberto VO5

Hire staff to write some more great zingers like this . . .

Always wanted to see Branson

Spend a weekend at his hunting lodge with Hank Williams, Jr.

$8.5 million on campaign buttons; $8.5 million on bumper stickers

Health care for all Texans . . . I'm totally messing with you

Shut up or he'll execute you

Get a fabulous makeover from Michele O'Bachmann's husband

Buy lunch for Chris Christie

NBC canceled “The Playboy Club.” Hugh Hefner went on Twitter to complain. Well, he thought it was Twitter. He was actually just playing on an old piano.

The Nobel Prize for chemistry was one by an Israeli who discovered quasicrystals. They’re like regular crystals, but less “methy.”

Newer elements are named after the scientists that discovered them. Einsteinium is named after Einstein, and Hassium is named after — David Hasselhoff?

Something terrible happened in Los Angeles this morning. It’s raining.

The rain gods are displeased with us. We must sacrifice a real housewife of Beverly Hills to appease them.

Sarah Palin will not run for president, which is good news for Palin-haters, but bad news for the moose population.

Are you telling me that driving around the country in a bus with a giant picture of her face next to the Constitution was just a giant publicity stunt? I find that hard to believe.

Hey, Congratulations to Donald Trump, who just welcomed his fourth grandchild! You could tell it was Trump’s grandchild because as soon as it came out, it demanded to see its own birth certificate.

Researchers in the U.K. have developed a vegetable called “super broccoli” designed to fight heart disease. Not to be outdone, researchers in America have developed a way to stuff an Oreo inside another Oreo.

Today first lady Michelle Obama made a surprise visit to the Secret Service headquarters. Michelle was like, “You guys are great. But since I was able to surprise you . . . you're fired.”

The founder of Home Depot announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. It's kind of a nice story, because Mitt Romney was actually assembled with parts from Home Depot.