Thursday Sep 22 2011
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
There was another big Republican debate tonight in Orlando, Fla. This one was sponsored by Google, which is tricky for Rick Perry because he's a yahoo.
Bad day for the stock market. It's down nearly 400 points. They're calling it the worst September meltdown since the Red Sox.
Southwest Airlines said someone is painting Arabic symbols on the sides of the airplanes. But they claim it's not a safety concern. Really? Some nutjob is close enough to the plane to paint an Arabic symbol on it. Shouldn't that be a Red flag?
Scientists from NASA have said that a research satellite the size of a bus will crash into the earth on Friday. They say they have no idea where it will land, although they say it has better odds of landing in the end zone than the Kansas City Chiefs.
Today President Obama is visiting the hometown of House Speaker John Boehner. Obama plans to give a speech and then visit the tanning bed that Boehner grew up in.
Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he'll be publishing a memoir. It will be available in hardcover, paperback, and a book on tape that's impossible to understand.
The tea party has formed a debt supercommittee that will meet this week at a Denny's. It will be the first time in history that anyone at Denny's will be interested in trimming fat.
The season premiere of "Glee" was on Tuesday. Viewership dropped this year by 35 percent. Apparently a large number of "Glee" viewers were offended by the episode's controversial male-female kiss.
Late Show with David Letterman
President Obama was in town speaking at the U.N. General Assemble. He said he's very proud of three things: No. 1: Bin Laden dead; No. 2: Gadhafi toppled; and No. 3: Regis fired.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is not at the U.N. He was arrested for hiking in Iran.
A six-ton satellite is falling from the sky. But NASA is a little bit nervous because they can't predict exactly where it'll land. NASA said, "Gee, we'd like to know where it's going to land, but after all, we're not rocket scientists."
I want the thing to land in my backyard. It'll give me something to do this weekend.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things a Candidate Shouldn't Say During a Presidential Debate
50 states? When did Puerto Rico get in?
Can you repeat the question? I was thinking about cookies
If elected, my cabinet will feature at least three Kardashians
I don't know a damn thing about the economy, but I do know this: Chaz Bono dances like an angel
Can anyone beat Angry Birds, Level 16? I can't kill the pig with the mustache
It's-a-not-so bad, it's-a nice-a place — Ah, shaddup you face
Hey, Republican spelled backwards is "Nacilbuper"
As my good friend Osama bin Laden once said . . ."
Senior citizens can bite my a**
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Sarah Palin's website sent out an email to her supporters hinting that if they send her enough money, she'll run for president. I need this woman to run. This kind of material doesn't just show up every day.
I'm fine with the new version of "Charley's Angels." I think it's perfectly acceptable to recycle old crap on TV.
They solve the crimes on their show with their intellect, not their bodies. No, they use their bodies.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
An old weather satellite is apparently hurtling toward the planet. It's expected to hit sometime tomorrow afternoon and no one has any idea where it might come down. See, that's the sort of thing I would maybe think about. Hey, if we shoot this bus-sized chunk of metal into space, won't it eventually come down?
I hope it comes down on the guy who shot it into space.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday President Obama arrived 25 minutes late for a luncheon at the U.N. In fact he was so late, he had to sit next to Biden at the kids table.
First Lady Michelle Obama will appear on the season premiere of "Extreme Home Makeover" on Sunday. The good news is, she’ll be refurbishing a house for a new family to move into; the bad news is, it’s the White House.
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a new memoir that will focus on his career as a body builder, action star, and politician. You can find it in that section at Barnes & Noble marked "Trying to Change the Subject.”
NASA is developing space taxis to shuttle astronauts to the International Space Station. And just like New York taxis, they’re all going to be driven by aliens.