President Obama’s hometown newspaper, the Chicago Tribune has called on Obama not to run for re-election. He has to run. He knows there are no other jobs out there.

The Solyndra executives are scheduled to testify before Congress, and they’re expected to take the 5th. Why not take the 5th? They’ve already taken $535 million.

A Chinese businessman bought a bottle of rare scotch for $200,000. The Chinese are buying bottles of scotch for $200,000, and our president is brewing his own beer in the basement.

Gays can now openly serve in the military, which is good news, unless you’re gay and you don’t want to join the military and they reinstate the draft.

The reading scores on the SATs have reached an all time low. Or, as the headline put it, “SATs Be Most Baddest.”

The tea party is forming its own debt super committee that will meet this week at a Florida Denny’s. You do not want to be the waiter that adds the tax to their check.

Facebook has been redesigned and it now contains a real-time news ticker. Every update says, “Breaking news: You’re screwing around at work.”

Forbes has come out with its list of the richest people in America. One of them is the CEO of Starbucks. His secret is that he doesn’t buy coffee at Starbucks.

Gays are now allowed to openly serve in the military. Maybe our next war could be a musical.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that he is releasing the two American hikers from captivity in Iran on humanitarian grounds. Then he went back to torturing dissidents.

Traffic is crazy because the U.N. General Assembly is in town. Do we really need an inconvenience like this just so the president of Estonia can attend a matinee of “Mamma Mia?”

Self-cleaning monkey

Bacon-free bacon

Phone directory of wrong numbers

Eating so many tacos it's ridiculous

Determining whether Minka Kelly is "hot" or "smokin' hot"

Something called the Clambulance, for injured mollusks

New miracle hairpiece for Dave

An Oreo with 10 layers

Wearing fedora without looking like a jerk

Michele O'Bachmann for President campaign

The American hikers being held in Iran were freed today. The first thing they said to reporters: “What’s Ashton Kutcher doing on ‘Two and a Half Men?’”

“The X Factor” is a new singing competition show with Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul. Who says there are no more original ideas in television?

Simon Cowell left “American Idol” a year ago. They say he was able to spend time at home with his family, judging them.

You can always tell Simon Cowell is coming back to TV when there’s a shortage of black T-shirts at Babies “R” Us.

I watched “The X Factor” and I think it’s high time that America had its own televised singing competition. We needed it.

All of these shows are basically a very long and expensive way to get one person a job. That is not going to help Obama at all.

President Obama addressed the United Nations General Assembly. He opened up with a joke: “The American dollar is strong.”

During a fundraiser in New York last night, President Obama said he was quote “in a New York state of mind.” Of course, in a year he might be singing that other Billy Joel song, “‘Movin’ Out.”

The newly opened IHOP in New York City has hired a bouncer for the door. Yeah, it’s a little different than a club. If you look attractive and well-dressed, you actually can’t come in.

A new study found that quitting smoking can actually improve your memory. Which explains why President Obama is finally starting to remember those campaign promises he made.

Steven Spielberg is going to release a biopic about Abraham Lincoln next year. Right, that’s a good way to honor Lincoln — by sending people to the theater.